61: Unlocking the Power of Healthy Relationships: Mastering These 5 Key Skills

In a world where we're constantly connected through technology, it's easy to forget the power of real human connection. But what if I told you that one of the most important skills for building meaningful relationships is building listening skills? In this podcast episode, we'll dive into the art of holding space for others' emotions and why it's crucial for building deep connections. So tune in and learn how to be a better listener and create more fulfilling relationships in your life.

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Transcript

Pamela: 0:01

Welcome to the peaceful home podcast. My name is Pam and I am your host. And today is the first. Official official episode. Right? We've got some other episodes. That are before this, in the queue. But this is the first kind of episode where I'm diving in and offering you tips and strategies. And today's focus is on communication and specifically. Effective communication. And so what we'll be talking about today is the five things that you need. To be able to communicate effectively for you to build healthy communication patterns and deep connections. Essentially, these are five rules. These are five steps. To get there. And these work with. Your kids. Your spouse. Any adult interactions that you have in your life, your personal life at work, they literally work anywhere and they worked so well and so quickly, but you will probably have people asking you for a relationship advice. So. Let's dive into the content. One of the biggest struggles that I find that we're living in, in this modern age, this modern culture that we're in, where. Even as adults. I'm in my mid forties, even as adults, we don't want to talk on the phone. We don't want to sit down face to face with people. We want to text. We want to move quick. We want to send emojis. We want to thumbs up on things. I can't tell you how many times I read an email and I'm like, oh man, I wish. The thumbs up. Was something that you could just click and hold, like you can. In an iMessage. Or on Facebook or Instagram or Tik TOK, Radica, just double tap it. And the person knows I've seen it. I understand it. I'm good with it. Whatever the case may be. But that is not how we build. Relationships. So how we cultivate anything. But the world that we live in is very, very quick. And I say that because I have a 14 year old and Like I could show you the thread of our text messages. We kind of joke about this all the time. I'll send her a paragraph and she says, yeah, And I'll send her a paragraph and she says, no, and I'll send her a paragraph. And she says, okay. And I feel like a lot of moms are saying to me, This is how. Their children are interacting with them and they're feeling more and more disconnected as a result because. If that were the entirety of the relationship. Yes, it would be. Struggle. It would be problematic that your kids are only giving you words. Single words here or there. It's the same idea as Pre text message days, right. With your kids. So if your kids are not, don't have an iPhone or don't have a device to be texting you on. Then you may pick your kids up at school. And they may say to them, how was your day? And they're like, good. You're like, okay. I don't know where to go from here. And so the strategies that we're gonna talk about today are gonna help with that. And, you know, it's not just our young people. My mother is the queen of text messaging. And tech shorthand. And she sends me text messages at all hours of the day. And she's the queen of abbreviations because back in the day she was a secretary. And so she knows actual shorthand, like the shorthand they used to use in note taking in meetings when they were Doing everything by hand. And so she has applied those same principles to texting and most of the time I'm like, mom. What the fuck are you talking about? What are you trying to say to me? I have no idea. That doesn't mean we can't also have good communication. But there are some rules. And let's talk about first. What does it mean to be a good communicator? So a good communicator communicates clearly. Right. A good communicator allows for the exchange of information, the exchange of speaking back and forth. What we all want is we want to feel heard. We want to feel supported and we need. The party that's on the other end of the conversation. To be able to fill that gap for us. But oftentimes we're not filling the gap for that person. So. When you think about. Someone in your life. Just take a moment and pause and think about like who in your life when you're struggling, when you're stressed out, when you need something, who do you go to? Who is a good listener? Who's good at supporting your needs, not being judgmental and, and showing up for you the way that you need them to show up. They're your person, right? Or one of your people because of those skills that they have now, those are not just natural skills that everybody has. And that if you're like, I don't have those that you're somehow lacking. It's a tool. It's a skill that we learn. It's something that has to be practiced. Like everything else, right? You don't just magically know how to ride a bike. You learn how to ride a bike and then you practice it throughout your life. And now you can get on a bike. Even if you haven't read written a bike in a long time, you could probably get on a bike today and pick it up and ride it. If you learned in childhood, right. Because you've built the foundation of those skills. On the flip side, you have people in your life that you were like, oh, that person. Never listens to a word. I say. They're always talking over me. They're always interrupting. They're always making it about them. We get on a conversation and they spend. 40 minutes of a 50 minute conversation and talking about themselves. And then if I'm lucky in the last 10 minutes, they might say, so how are you doing? And then still, they don't really listen or support. So. The focus of what we're talking about today is this concept of holding space. This ability to show up for people in your life. In a way. That allows for them to feel seen and heard and felt. Loved supported all of those things we're looking for. Now you may be thinking. Well, I want to feel that too. But like everything you have to give before you can receive. So, what we're talking about today is how do you give that? I call this process holding space, and maybe you've heard this term before this idea. That's kind of generic term of just being able to hold space for people. And, you know, those people that you're just. Comfortable sitting down with. Whether you've known them for 20 years or you met them five minutes ago. They just have this ability to allow you to feel comfortable enough, to share, to open up, to communicate. They're sending you the message that they want to know what you have to say. Those are the relationships we seek. Those are the connections that stick around. So the very first thing that has to happen is you have to learn how to listen. Now there is a huge difference between hearing. And listening. For many of us, we just simply here. We hear the words that are coming out of the person's mouth. But we're so focused on how we're going to respond, how they make us feel. Our own thoughts. Our own internal dialogue. Our own fears, insecurities and doubts. The thing we have to do next. That we're not truly present with that person. While they are speaking. I saw this Simon Sinek. Tik TOK or something. One of those short form videos. Not that long ago when he was talking about meditation and he's talking about meditation as a tool. Now, one of the things that Simon and I have. In common as they both have ADHD. And he talks about the utilization of meditation. To learn how to focus on one thing. Now there's this whole misconception with meditation, that meditation is designed to clear the mind that is not accurate. If that were accurate, then I would have stopped meditating a long time ago. And meditation is a tool that I use all the time. Talk about that in further episodes, but. The idea of meditation is being able to train your brain to focus on one thing at a time to be mindful, to be present. Now in meditation, you might be focusing on your breath. You might be focusing on a thought, a sensation and experience. In relationships. What that is training you for? Is to be able to listen, to be able to be present, to be able to be focused on what the other person is saying on their experience. And when you can learn to let go of distractions in your own head and come back to the subject at hand. What the other person is saying. It changes everything. Now you might say. I don't meditate. I don't have time to meditate. Meditation is not for me. Totally fine. What I'm saying is meditation is a tool. To be able. To tune in and actually listen. Now for some of us, it just requires removing distractions. So for instance, you might be talking to your kids and maybe your kids will come to you and talk and you're cooking dinner or your. On your phone or you're working or you're doing something else? Folding the laundry. And. You're doing your thing, folding the laundry, walking over here and putting it in this pile, you know, cleaning up the kitchen, whatever the case may be. Playing on your phone. And they're trying to talk to you and you're saying no, no, no, I'm listening. Keep going. But what your actions are telling them is that you're not listening and it's not that important. What happens with kids and people that are sensitive to energy. Is they shut down. So. You know, when you come across somebody. Walking down the street and you say, Hey, how are ya? And I go, oh, good. How are you? Good. Thanks. It's become a cultural norm that like, Hey, how are you, or how you doing today? Or those types of things. When somebody like greets you in a store. Is a greeting. It's not an opening for conversation. How was your day? When your child gets into the car at the end of the day is the same. It's a greeting. You're not actually opening the door for conversation. And the reason I know you're not opening the door for conversation is because. If you were. They would tell you. They would communicate more of what's going on now. This is not shade. I'm not trying to give you shit. What I'm saying is when you can practice outside of the car environment, where there are distractions. If you can practice sitting on their beds, sitting at the kitchen table, sitting on the couch, having conversations and actually listening. And using active listening or empathetic listening strategies. So you might use something like restating, so you're rephrasing. What you believe they said, you might say, let me see if I understand you. Is this correct? You might summarize, bring together all the information to check for your understanding. So it sounds like you're saying. Today was a really difficult day. It sounds like you're saying this homework is really overwhelming you, it sounds like you're saying. You're stressed out and you can't stand your boss. It sounds like you're saying, is that right? Next up is verbal affirmation. And this is just kind of when somebody is talking and you're like, yup. Yeah, yeah. And then what happened? Like tell me more, those are all verbal affirmations. Be really careful with this one. Sometimes we overuse it. And it can seem really abrupt if you don't know how to use this effectively. For instance when you're talking and somebody going. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. In a loud voice. It feels very much like you're being rushed along. It's much better to make eye contact, nod your head, you know, use non-verbal strategies to encourage or affirm. To you use soft verbal affirmations? Like. Mmmm Tell me more. When there's a gap. Right. When it feels as though they're done talking about the thing, like tell me more, what happened next? Love to hear more about that. But approaching it from a place of genuine interest. And softness. There's also reflecting and reflecting is also a tricky one. This is where you will reflect how not, what the words are that they're saying, but the feeling underneath the words. And so it might be your kid comes home to you and it's talking all about this thing that happened in school today. And. Instead of being like, Ooh, that sounds frustrating. Or. Oh, I would be mad about that too, or, oh yeah, I get that. You might say something like, it seems really important to you. That your teacher hears you. What can we do? To help facilitate that. All right. So kind of moving them along. Helping them to kind of put a framework around what they're actually experiencing, what they're trying to say. And it's okay if you get it wrong, I might go, no, that's not what's going on. And you're like, okay, well help me understand. And then the last one is silence. So, what I like to say is if you're someone that's silent, if you have a tendency to say nothing, normally. Then. Use some of the other strategies. We do some restating some summarizing you, some verbal affirmation, some like nodding, like some soft and gentle. And just kind of giving space. But showing up and being present. If you're someone who tends to talk a lot, over-talk. Interrupt. Your best tool and listening is going to be silence. So when you show up as the opposite, when you show up, if this is a struggle for you, You know, you go like, this is what I normally do. This isn't working. Let's go the other direction. Let's try this other thing. From this place of listening and practicing listening. And I just want you to understand that it takes a lot of practice, especially when you feel responsible for the outcome. For instance, When you're talking about your spouse or your child. You might think that it's your job to fix or save them? Maybe they're starting to experience emotions or maybe they're struggling communicating, and you want to jump in and give them the words or give them a hug. So they stopped crying. Or whatever the case may be. What you need to do is step two. You need to allow the other party to experience their experience. Now that doesn't mean that you can't show compassion. It doesn't mean if your spouse or child comes home and is crying. You can't hand them a box of tissues. It doesn't mean that you don't shift your body. So if your kid's sitting on the couch crying and you were standing in the kitchen at the start of the conversation, you might come over and sit down next to them. You might put your hand on their hand or something to like, like I'm here indicating that you're there, but you need to allow the other person to experience their experience and specifically to experience their emotions without rescuing them. No, we don't like to see people uncomfortable. We don't like to see people sad. I don't like to see people experiencing negative emotions, but it's really fricking important. It's really freaking important that we experienced the entire range of our emotions. From sorrow to joy. Because when we don't. That's when patterns and ruts and what we call Samskaras. Show up. Right. So when we step in and rescue our child from experiencing an emotion, Then at 30 years old, they're gonna be sitting in therapy going, I don't know how to regulate my emotions. I just blow up at people. This is why it's important. In order to be able to regulate emotions, you have to feel them first. In order to be able to clear out old trauma, old stories, old struggles. You have to feel them first. This is why a huge part of EFT tapping, which is something that I teach. A huge component. Is feeling the feelings. And then clearing them. When you don't feel the feelings, then you don't see the same impact. So if you're. If you do an EFT tapping session with me, either in a group setting, like in my mom's membership, which we do them all the time or some sort of one-to-one environment. If you don't tap into the way something makes you feel. What you find is that when that trigger shows up, In the future, you haven't actually cleared it out. Because you have to be in a similar emotional state. To heal. I know it sucks. If you're like I'm dealing with sorrow in. Sadness. And anger. I don't want to feel those things. So I avoid them. The only way through them is to feel them. And this is kind of the starting point of that is allowing other people to experience their emotions. To feel them. Don't try to rescue. Don't try to fix. Just be there for them. The next. Is. To not make it about you. Your role is to create a container. Where the other party. Can communicate. What they're going through. Can you communicate their experience? When you're defensive or annoyed or frustrated with the other party. They are going to interpret it. As judgment. And that judgment is going to shut them down. So when your child is experiencing an emotion to talk about this from a parenting perspective, the same holds true in every other relationship in the world. But parenting is one of the hardest ones to get this out. So we're going to talk about parenting. When your child experiences an emotion. You try to get them to stop feeling because the feeling makes you uncomfortable. And you get annoyed because they don't stop feeling. And maybe you say something like, just stop crying already. Or you're fine. It's okay. What you're doing is you're saying to them, I'm uncomfortable about this and what I feel when I think why, what I experienced is more important than what you think and what you feel and what you experienced in this moment. I'm more important. That is you making it about yourself? Getting defensive. So if somebody comes to you and says, Hey, I'm struggling. The other day I was, this thing occurred, you communicated this way. I felt unheard rejected hurt. When you said a, B and Z. When you defend your stance. What you're doing is you're making it about you. Well, I only said that because I only did that because I was just looking out for your best interest. None of that works. Not that matters. So if you're like, well then what do I do? Step number four, you validate. I can understand why you'd feel that way. Make sense to me looking at it. Now I can see how hurtful that was. I can see why you're frustrated with your teacher. I can see why you're overwhelmed with the things dad was saying. The thing to remember about validation is validation is not agreeing. It's not saying yes, you are right. Validation is saying. Your feelings are right, because feelings are never wrong. That doesn't mean they're accurate. It doesn't mean that what I feel is really going on. Have you ever. Showed up into a room and people are talking and you show up and nobody stops talking and you're like, oh my God, they were totally talking about me. The truth is they were probably not talking about you, but it doesn't stop your mind from going to that place of insecurity and fear. So in a situation like that, if you were to walk into a room that I was in and everyone were to stop talking. And you were to come over to me and say, everybody stopped talking. When I walk into the room, I'm pretty sure they were all talking about me. Were they. I wouldn't say no. Nobody was talking about you. I also wouldn't say yes, they were all talking about you. I would say. I can see why it seems that way. It was kind of weird that you walked into the room and all of a sudden, everybody stopped talking. I wonder what that's all about. I'm not addressing the situation in either direction. I'm saying I get, I get your feelings. I can see that. Yeah, for sure. This is one form of validation. Another, from a validation, a really simple examples. We were sitting at the dinner table the other night. And I was going through the list of things that I had done in that day. I recorded a podcast. I edited these things. I wrote these things. I took care of this thing. Did a group coaching session had two individual coaching sessions. And my 14 year old turned and looked at me and she said, wow, mom, that's a lot. You did that all today. And I was like, yeah. She was like, wow. I'm impressed. And I was like, Thank you for validating me. And she was like, yeah, no problem. Something as simple as wow. Like that's a lot. Wow. You did a good job there. Wow. You put a lot of effort into that. It doesn't have to be. Over the top. Certainly should not be a lie. But validation is really an important strategy. And when you can start learning to validate other people, you can start learning to validate yourself. One of the things that I say often is if I were in your shoes, I would probably feel the same way. I'm not saying your feelings are right. I'm not saying I feel the same way. I'm saying if I were you. Based on all the information that you have. Based on your perception and your experience. You can see. Or you feel the way you do. And I would probably feel the same. Okay, so that's four. You might be thinking, what the hell is next now? What do I have to do? Number five is really, really simple. But really, really important. Number five. Is to ask permission to move forward. Now, this might look different based on the. Environment. The relationship. The person. Really simple example. It seems like maybe you need a hug. Can I give you one? It seems like maybe you need some other support. Can I call someone for you? It seems like you're really frustrated in this situation. Is there anything I can do to support you? It sounds like you're really feeling crummy. What would you like me to do? To help you. These are all examples. Of things that I've said recently. And the idea is that. You're asking the other party. How you can be of service. And sometimes yes, that means you're going to ask a specific question. Like, can I give you a hug? And sometimes it means asking, what can I do for you? How can I be of service? How can I be helpful? How can I support you? Now, if you're having this conversation with somebody like your child or someone who. Does not communicate. There needs regularly. I haven't had practice with that. You're probably going to get, I don't know. Unless you pose it as a, Hey, I'm going to do this thing. Is that okay? Right. Can I give you a hug? They're going to that's a yes or no. What can I do to support you? That's an open-ended. Right. So close ended questions. Yes or no. Is there going to be much easier for people that have less of a tendency to. Feel empowered. By the way, this number five, ask permission to move forward. This is empowerment. This is empowering them to take hold of who they are, their story, their experience. This is why this is so important. When we talk about like, how do I feel empowered? How do I feel like I have ownership? Well, I feel like I have ownership when I empower myself or someone else. Offers empowerment. For me to be able to make decisions and choices about myself. So one example from a parenting perspective. So I have a 14 year old, as I've said. Who has a phone? And a couple of months ago, she had texted me in the middle of the day. From the bathroom just saying she wasn't feeling well. And. So I asked for more information. I said, I'm sorry. You're not feeling well. What's going on. And she said, I just feel really nauseous. And Like my stomach kind of hurts. I was like, okay. What have you done already? So as parents, we have a tendency to race in and fix things. So instead what I did as I posed this interaction, cause this is all via text message. Right? So a little bit more straight to the point. What have you already tried? What have you already done? I went to the nurse's office. And she said she couldn't do anything for me. And I said, okay, let me guess she asked you if you had eaten. And had a bowel movement today and she was like, yep, that's it. Okay. That's what nurses ask. No problem. Great. How are you feeling? About. Where your app. What's going on. For you right now. And how can I help you out? Like. Sometimes. My kid, I don't know about your kid, but sometimes my kid likes to just text me and tell me the thing. That's a complaint. After she's already solved the problem. So for instance, school lunch is always one of them, you know, I. I packed my lunch today and they have this thing that I like, and that's not what was on the menu. like, okay. What would you like me to do? Nothing. I just decided I wasn't eating the packed lunch and I'm going to buy it lunch. Okay. That's fine. We have like boundaries around that. She knows what that looks like. Once a week, she can choose to buy lunch. Okay. Great. Other times it's. I am buying lunch and it said it was going to be this, but it was actually this instead. And I say, okay, what did you do? Oh, I had the salad or I had the sub and I. Took the Turkey off of it and ate a cheese and tomato and lettuce sub for lunch because she doesn't eat meat. So. You know, we have these conversations and sometimes she just is texting me to complain. She just was in Washington DC recently for four days with with her class. And she would send me messages. Like they don't have any of this thing at the place that we're eating. We don't have any, w they went out one night for a burger. Buffet or something. And it had said. There'll be a vegetarian option. And. She's like, there's not a vegetarian option. There's no. Veggie burger. It's regular burgers only. And I'm like, okay, what else is there? And she was like, I can't believe they don't have veggie burgers. It says on their menu, they do. They're just not doing it for this blah, blah, blah, whatever. Okay. What are your options? I actually said, so what are you going to eat? And she said, they have salad and French fries and Mac and cheese. I was like, okay. Do you have enough food? Yes. Okay. Are you content with what you have? Yes. Okay. But she just wanted to tell me she wanted to complain about the thing and I okay. Yep. Yep. Yep. So I don't move her along. I kind of always say like, what, what do you need from me? And oftentimes she just needs me to be like, devalidate to be like, that's bullshit said that they were going to have veggie burgers and they know that you're vegetarian and this is ridiculous. So in this scenario at school, I was like, okay, what would you like me to do? And she said I don't know. And I said, Marley, it's your body. I don't know how your body feels. I need you to communicate what you need from me. These are the things that I can do. I can pick you up. You can tough it out. You can. I asked where she was in the day. She hadn't had lunch yet. I said, you can go to lunch and see if. After eating you feel better. Whatever the case is like, you decide what you want to do. And she said, okay, well, Lunches in like 20 minutes. So why don't I go to lunch and I'll eat and see if I feel better after lunch. Okay. Let me know. Okay. So I texted her after lunch and I'm like, what's going on? And she's like, I don't really feel nauseous. My stomach really hurts. And I was like, okay, what would you like me to do? And she said, can you come get me? I was like, yo, we'll be there in 20 minutes because that's how far we live from the school. And so that process of like that sucks, I'm sorry that your stomach hurts. What can I do to help you? my comment about the school nurse, I said, apparently school nurses haven't changed in 30 years. And she was like, ha ha. Like that was a form of validation, right? Like I see you. I hear you. That's a validation is I see you. I hear you. I feel you. I get what you're going through. I often say, well, that's BS. That's my validation with her often is because she'll complain about something. Cause it's, it's within the context. Right? Oh, that's BS. What are you going to do about it? What are you going to do with it? How can I support you? The most important thing is that you're allowing the other person to feel heard and seen and validated and supported and loved. Even if love is not your primary focus within the context of a relationship. So. Maybe it's someone at work. And you're like, I don't care if they think I love them or not. But you're trying to improve your communication skills. You're still listening, reflecting. Allowing the other party to experience their experience. You're still not making it about you. You're validating. Okay. That makes sense. I get that. Yep. I can take care of that. And then you're asking for permission to move forward. What do you need me to do? It's the same in every single environment. The context is different. The words might be different, but it is the same. And. Most importantly, When you practice this. Consistently. When you practice this regularly. What you will start to see. Is that other people. Do the same back. Now, if they don't have these steps, you can always send them here, send them this episode and say, Hey, listen, if you want to know how I learned these strategies, here's how. And it's really important that you just make the choice to lean in and do it. My suggestion is to pick one relationship. But you're going to practice this with and see how things shift. I promise you they will shift. I can guarantee it. Actually, they will shift. They will be huge shifts within the context of that relationship, how that person interacts with you, what that connection in that relationship looks like, what it feels like. You're going to become the go-to person that people come to. And. You're going to have the opportunity to deepen your relationships. So if that's what you want. These are the steps to get there. And look guys, the reason that I know this works. Is because when I started an interview based podcast and I started sitting with people that were not clients that were people that I'd never met before. The feedback that I got over and over and over again was, oh my God. It's just so comfortable to sit with you and share my story. It's so crazy. I feel like I've known you forever. And the reason for that. Is because this is the process that I used as well. So it works. I know it works from experience. So give it a go. Thank you guys for being here. Please, please, please share the new podcast. Write a review for the new podcast so that other people can see. How amazing it is, how much value you're getting out of it and how much value they can get out of it. So that we can all grow together and I look forward to serving you some more, providing you some more amazing information. And if there are things that you want to hear on the podcast, please let me know. Let me know you're listening. share on social media, tag me pamgodboiscoaching on Instagram. And, I look forward to seeing you in the next episode. So take care.