Ep 68: How to Embrace Desire without Guilt

In this week’s episode, we are exploring gender differences in thinking and desires. Learn the process of HOW to embrace desire without swimming in guilt… it all begins with one simple step…

Listen in to hear what that step is!

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Transcript

Pamela: 0:00

Welcome back to the peaceful home podcast. My name is Pam and I am your host. And this week, I've got a quick one for you. But we're talking all about. How to just lean into your desires, the things that you really want. While letting go of things like guilt. And stories that say you're selfish for having desires. So let's dive in. Hey there. So in honor of father's day, I wanted to talk about the difference between us moms. And the dads that are out there, maybe listening, maybe not. But I need you to understand that this difference that I'm talking about is not a personal difference. It's not about you and your spouse. It's about. How culture views our roles. How the society that we live in has created for us. These containers that say, this is what a mom does. This is what a dad does. This is who a mom is. This is who a dad. Is. And these beliefs, these stories, they go way back like to your infancy and beyond. You grew up in an environment where it was normal. On mother's day. To have something occur. In a lot of cases, it was celebrations and getting together and maybe going to brunch or having some sort of a gathering for moms to come together with their families. Because the story underneath that says. Moms good moms anyway, want to spend mother's day with their children and their family. Whereas dad's. Had the opportunity when father's day rolls around to do something that they desire to do in my house, growing up, it was, my dad was a golfer. So on father's day, he would go out and play golf. And as a matter of fact, my mom was here this past week. We were talking about whatever things. And one of the things that she said was about my brother. Is, oh, I hope he gets to play golf this weekend because that's what he really enjoys. To celebrate him for father's day. And I was like, isn't that interesting? Isn't that interesting. Then my mom's not saying this as like a. This is what women should do, and this is what men should do. It just is so ingrained in us that it is the norm. That women moms, we want to spend time with our family on mother's day. Dad's their desire. They want, what they want is they want to have their time to do the thing that they want to be doing on father's day. And we honor that without question nobody's running around, or maybe you are, but society. Collections of people in our world are not running around going. That's unfair that dads get to play golf on father's day and moms have to go to brunch with their family on mother's day. What does that bullshit all about? But there is a component of bullshit in this, and these patterns, these experiences that you've had in your life that maybe now as a mom, you've, you're like, holy crap, I'm doing the same thing. They shape. Not just what you do on mother's day. They shape your desires. They shape your dreams. They shape your values. And. They have the ability to make us feel selfish, guilty. And self-centered. When we want something. That does not fit into that little box. I had a woman that I was working with years ago. Lovely human being. And she had been really stressed and had a lot of things on her plate at work. And She and her husband had arranged, they had two young children. She and her husband had arranged for her to. Go away just like to get an overnight in a hotel and just be able to sleep and have some time to herself. And it just really works as a couple. They did an amazing job of working really hard at making sure that each of the partners. Had the opportunity to do what they needed and what they desired. Now, part of the reason is because they were aware of that because they were doing the work right there. Weren't just Running through life. Like everyone else, they were like, okay, I want to do this work. And the week before she said something to me, like, I'm thinking that maybe I should bring my oldest daughter with me who was like, I dunno, like maybe four at the time, three or four or five something. Not like a 16 year old, but like a. A kid who still needs a lot of kind of support. And I chuckled about it and I was like, this is just, this is our culture, right? Where. You have the opportunity to do this thing for yourself. And you're like, Ooh, maybe I shouldn't do this thing for myself. Maybe I should include. A kid of mine because that's what's going to make me a quote unquote, good mother. And I'm not saying that was her story, but I'm saying this is the kind of stuff we do. We do this all the time where we're like, I have this opportunity to be my myself and do my thing. I can't tell you how many moms I talked to that are like, I had three hours to myself on a Friday. And I'm like, what'd you do? And they're like I went grocery shopping and I went to target and I got toilet paper and paper towels, and I took care of all the errands that needed to be done. And I'm like, that's how you spent your three hours to yourself. Taking care of the family. That's what that is taking care of the family. Now I know there are moms out there that are listening that are like, you don't understand when you have to take four kids with you to the grocery store. If you have three hours to yourself that you can do that by yourself, it really is a treat. I'm not saying that's not the case. I'm saying how crazy is our society and our belief system and our stories in our head. That when we have the time to take care of us. To do us to do what we desire to do. That the very first thing we think of is taking care of the thing for the family. Now I get it. Like I said, I get that. It would be easier when you can do it by yourself. I totally understand that.

6:29

What I'm really talking about here is how we have been socialized to believe that this is our role, this is our job, this is what we should be doing.

Pamela: 6:38

And to be quite honest, my husband does that as well. He's like, well, I had some times where I figured I would take care of this thing because then. It would be easier for me to just do it by myself. I get it. And I'm not saying it's only a women woman thing or only a man thing or whatever. When I have time for myself. I need to be taking care of other people. There's that story? And this is definitely the story of the caregiver. Which in our society is usually the women. But in truth. That's just because it's the feeling emotional energy, right? It's the feminine energy. Versus the masculine energy, which we all have a mix of. This is why it's not necessarily gender specific. But we do see it. So much more in women because not only is it that feminine energy component, there's also the societal norm that says, this is what women, this is what moms do. Okay. So here we are. As moms. Going out, having time to ourselves, going to the grocery store, going to target or Walmart and doing the errands, the family doing, picking up birthday gifts for. Birthday party the day your kids are going to speaking of your kids and birthday parties. When your kids get invited to a birthday party who takes them? Who's the parent that goes when you know, your kids are still little and they need a parent to go with them. Who's the parent. That goes to that. It doesn't matter what the answer is. And it might be that in your family, you've negotiated that your spouse takes them. I'm not saying good, bad or indifferent. There are also households, obviously where there are two moms. And. That changes the dynamic. But again, we're not talking gender, we're talking masculine, feminine energy. And what I'm talking about here is that as women. With our feminine energy. In a culture that says women are supposed to want to spend time with their family. When we try to do for ourselves or when we have a thought or desire to do for ourselves. We feel. Guilty about it. So the very first thing that you have to realize in all of this is that the story that shows up when you feel guilty. When you feel selfish, if somebody is calling you selfish, if you feel like. Oh, I should take my kids with me or, oh, I should do this thing for my family. It's there's nothing wrong with any of those things. But I want you to recognize them for what they are. They are markers. They are. Indications that it's time for you to just pause and say, okay, what's going on? What are the stories that exist in my head that are telling me. This is the way to proceed forward. And do I feel good about that? Does that feel good? To me. Have you ever found yourself feeling the need to defend yourself to like your mother or your mother-in-law? When you desire to do something on your own. I host a retreat for women every year. And I can't tell you how many women have come to me and said, I would love to go on your retreat. But I don't have anybody to take care of my kids. These are not single women. These are not women that don't have partners. They're not women that don't have extended family. There are women that don't have family that understand. Or support the idea that doing for yourself? Is healthy, but having desires. To grow and evolve and learn and heal outside of doing things for the family. Is a good thing. What I'm going to invite you to do today. Is to practice this week. This today. The next 24 hours. Just leaning into your desires and get clear on what they are. Asking yourself over and over again. What do I desire more than anything else? What do I want in my life? What do I want from me? In my life. Now you might notice you come up with categories. Maybe you say something like I desire to travel. Great. What does that look like? So then you say to yourself, okay, if you desire to travel, Where would you travel? What would that look like? It doesn't matter to me right now. This is not about who you're going to take with you and how you're planning your trip. This is about desires. I desire to have a beach house. Okay, great. I desire to have my dream car. What's my dream car. I just had this conversation with a friend of mine. We were talking about cars and those of you that know me know that. I like cars has never been something that are important to me. And it's not that I don't desire a car and it's not that I don't all the things that go along with a car, like reliable transportation and comfort and all those things. It's just. Never really thought about it. And it's not something that I know. A whole lot about I'm not somebody that like, Knows the cars, I just don't pay attention to that stuff. Paying attention to so many other things that. Things like cars. I'm like, I have no idea now. Let's talk about freestanding soaking tubs. I can talk about those all day and I can talk about the desire of what exactly the. Measurements are and what the fit is and what's comfortable and how, what the aesthetics of that bathroom looks like. That is something I get really clear on, but cars I'm like, I don't know. What do I desire? What do I, what would be my dream car? I happen to be listening to an audio book or the author said something about buying two of her dream cars. And I was like, huh. I wonder if my dream car is. So it's okay. If you hear from other people, like if I just had this bathroom conversation with you and you're like, I never even thought about it. I have no care in the world, what my bathroom looks like as long as it's clean and I'm not falling through floors and it, it's functional. That's great. That's great for me. But we know that there's a lot of us that are like, oh, the shower, head in the water pressure and the beautiful walk-in shower. I know I'm HGTV obsessed when it comes to bathroom remodels, I get it. But what I want you to do this week is I want you to take some time to indulge in your desires. Now, I'm not saying if you desire to travel. To plan a trip and travel. I'm not saying that I'm saying. That you start asking yourself in circling yeah. Where would I travel and what would that be like? And what would I do? How would I spend my time there? Leaning in to these things that just feel good, even if it's for 10 or 15 minutes in your head, even if it's something you do in journaling, even if it's a conversation that you have over dinner with your spouse. Instead of talking about how the kids did this or your in-laws did that. Can you just take some time to focus on desires and talk about them? Talk about them with your spouse. Talk about them to your kids, get your kids talking about what they desire. Here's what happens when we spend time focusing on the things that we truly desire and we let go of guilt and shame, and the belief that we're selfish, because we want things. What happens? Is our brain. The neurochemicals in the brain. Start to give us more of the feel-good chemicals. Research actually tells us that just by leaning into what we desire into our dreams, into our dream bathroom, our dream kitchen, our dream house, our dream location like geographically, our dream travel destination. Our dream relationships, whether you were in a relationship right now or not. What is your dream relationship? Look like? no, I'm not talking about, you're like I'm married. Let me think about the next guy or next girl I'm going to be with, I'm not talking about that. I'm saying, what do you most desire in a relationship? Because you can cultivate that in the relationship that you're in. If the other party is willing to cultivate it with you. But you don't know unless you talk about it, unless you share it. And before you can talk about it and share it, you have to envision it, your self. This is what this episode is all about. Just letting go of the stuff that's getting in the way, maybe tuning in, noticing it. And leaning in to what you desire, what you dream of. What's your dream car. What's your dream home. What's your dream relationship like. What's your dream experience with your kids? With yourself. What does self-love look like for you? I want you to envision all of this. From the state of deep desire from this state of dream wouldn't it be nice. And instead of saying, wouldn't it be nice? Say, won't it be great when. Want to be great when wouldn't it be great when our relationship is such that these things occur. Won't it be great when I feel supported by myself and I can lean into self-love enough that. My relationships with everyone in my life gets better. Want to be great when my dream car becomes my reality. Won't it be great when. Want to be great when just filling the blank. This is your practice for this week. Like I said, not long. Not a lot. But if you do it, It's freaking impactful. So give it a go and let me know how it goes. Cause I want to hear. What do you desire? More than anything else in your life. What do you desire? What's important. All right guys. Take care. Get to work. And I'll see you next week. Bye for now.