Episode 70: Are Your Relationships Toxic, Co-Dependent and Dragging You Down?

Are your relationships Toxic or co-dependent? Join us this week as we explore the difference between healthy and NOT, and what to do about it. 

As a parent, if you want your kids to have healthy and loving relationships, they need you to model it for them. But many of us grew up in a time where criticism, insults and putdowns, were followed by expressions of love, which makes understanding what love really is...complicated. 

Decoding where YOU are and taking steps towards healthy relationships is what we are up to this week! 

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Transcript

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welcome back to the peaceful home podcast. My name is Pam and I am your host. And I have a question for you. Have you ever wondered. If the relationships that you have in your life are healthy. Or if they're not so healthy, Now we always hear about how healthy relationships are important or how we all strive to have healthy relationships. But what does that even mean? Today on the peaceful and podcast, we are unpacking that. And so whether you're talking about your relationship with your neighbor, Your best friend, your spouse, your kid. Or yourself? Let's figure it out. Hell in parenting. I talk about teaching your kids, how to have healthy relationships all the time. And as a relationship coach, along with all the other stuff I do. I look at relationships. On the daily basis. So today I'm going to share with you some examples as well as what are some red flags to look for and what are some strategies or things that you're looking to implement in order to make your relationships healthier? But first. I have a quiz for you. I want to know. Which of these characteristics that I'm going to explain to you are healthy. And which are unhealthy or toxic. Now, I just want you to keep a tally. There's no reward or consequence for getting them all right or wrong. It doesn't matter. I just want you to take this opportunity to think Hmm. What is this exactly? Want you to challenge your brain a little bit? So the very first characteristics or quality that I want to talk about is this idea of being extremely loyal. It's a staying in a relationship too long or longer than, you know, you should. This includes things like staying together for the kids. What do you think healthy, unhealthy. You tell me. All right next step. Someone who is always looking to fix another person's problem. Now, the flip side of this is someone who maybe. Tends to not say what they're feeling or what they're experiencing, because they don't want to hurt the other person's feelings. So maybe they beat around the Bush. They're not real clear with what their concerns are. Their asks are. How about someone who offers advice, even when it isn't asked. Like maybe someone's having a baby or they're becoming a first-time parent or they have a struggle or. I used to see this a lot when I was a yoga teacher. Teaching yoga teacher trainings, where new teachers. Just want to help everyone. Now that they have this new knowledge and insight. And so they try to convince everyone they know. To lean into yoga or meditation or whatever practice has made them feel amazing. You know what I'm talking about? Okay, well, how about. Someone who has difficulty adjusting to change. Conflict arises or their emotions get big. Or how about if you're someone who struggles in making decisions, are you a person that you always are relying on your partner or you have to go back to someone or. Or process the decision with someone else. Okay, one more. What about someone who often feels under appreciated by their family or their loved ones or the people that are in their life? Okay guys, how did you do. What did you come up with for answers? Well, here's the truth. All of those are characteristics of a codependent relationship. That would be an unhealthy or toxic relationship. And these are patterns, relationship patterns. So you might see that these things show up more than just in your primary or intimate relationships. So I just wanted your brain to start thinking about and hearing these things that are pretty common, that aren't necessarily. Quote, unquote bad. But they definitely contribute to toxicity in relationships. As a matter of fact, Codependency is one of the things that is a relationship destroyer. Even if both individuals are codependent. Because what starts to happen? Is this wiring around. This desperate need to be in connection with another person. Usually the person that you're already with. And this is not a conscious thing. You're not just walking around in desperation, but the wiring in your brain, the subconscious wiring is living in desperation and needs someone else or something else to reinforce. The beliefs and the experiences. Now I'm not saying that I've never experienced codependency in my life cause I definitely have, as a matter of fact, I was on a podcast a while back. And it was a podcast about codependency and we had this conversation about codependency and she was interviewing me as a therapist, understanding. That I have an expertise in this stuff. And what came out of this experience, this story, and this conversation was all the times in my life that I have leaned into codependency. Not necessarily, even with another person. I stayed at yoga studios because even though I could not stand the owner, I didn't want to leave the students. I've stayed in private practices as a therapist, even though I did not want to be there. And it felt uncomfortable because I didn't want to leave the clients because the subconscious process, the story there is that I need them and they need me. They cannot exist without me. And well, that's just foolishness. Of course they can exist without me. You can exist without me and I can exist without you because we're all individual beings. Now that doesn't mean that somebody won't experience emotions or feel sad about things. And very often early in our lives in our careers. And in our relationships, codependency. Is. What we're seeking. Because when someone is codependent, It feels like they need you. And that for most of us feels really good. But that's not a healthy relationship. That doesn't set you up for success longterm. And if you're parenting, it's certainly not going to set your kids up for success. What are the components of a healthy relationship? What does that look like? Well, some of these things are probably already exist in some of your relationships, if not all of them. I'm not saying every aspect of your relationship is good or bad. I want you to get really critical. Like from a critical thinking perspective where you look at these components and you go, oh yeah, we definitely have that. Or ma maybe we don't have that. The first thing I want to talk about is this concept of mutual respect. Not only does mutual respect mean that I respect. Your values, your points of view, and I'm willing to understand you and I'll respect your boundaries and all that kind of stuff. It also means that I believe I trust and I understand that you are a capable human being. Who is capable of managing your own shit? And that if you need me, you will ask. This is how I parent. You know, when your kid or somebody in your life is like slamming the cabinet doors or stomping their feet or sighing, or just being passive aggressive. Which is what all of those things are. And you go, what, what what's going on? What can I do? How can I help you? How can I fix it? That's not healthy. That's not mutual respect. What you are saying without saying it is, I don't trust that you're capable. Of figuring this out. I don't trust that you're capable of asking for help when you need it. I don't trust that you're capable of managing your own emotions. And if you've ever been in a relationship where the other person has led you to believe that their emotions are your responsibility. I want you to stop for a moment. And I want you to understand that that is bullshit. And it's common. It's very common. As a matter of fact, I have a couple that I'm working with. Where we do a lot of relationship work. That's why they came to me. So they're doing coaching relationship coaching, and they're doing all this work and. Historically the both been in toxic relationships. And they've been to therapists who have said. Hey, when this person is feeling this way, it's your job. The other person, it's your job. To tell them how their behavior is impacting the environment and essentially like send them to a timeout or send them off to their room to have time to themselves so that they can pull it back together so that they recognize, oh, Hey, I'm impacting other people. I can pull us back together. That is toxic as fuck guys. It is toxic as fuck. Your emotions are your responsibility. My emotions are my responsibility. That is healthy. Any time we make someone else's emotions or experiences or choices or process our responsibility. We are taking away their power. We are disempowering them. And the message that we're sending is I don't trust that you're capable. As a matter of fact, not only do I not trust that you're capable, I know that you're not capable and I am more capable than usual. I'm going to step in and I'm going to fix this for you. Mutual respect means that you fully trust the other person. To communicate what their needs are. That you respect them and their boundaries. And you empower them or you move from a place of empowerment where they get to make the choices. Now, this could be something as simple as my daughter needed help with something the other day. I don't even remember what it was, but she was mad. She's in the other room, huffing and puffing. And so my job is not to say Marley, what can I do for you? I can see you're upset. My job is to remind her because she's 14. Hey, I'm here. If you need anything. But it is your responsibility to let me know that you need something. And I trust that you know yourself well enough. That you know how to communicate your needs to me. And if you don't then come to me and we'll figure that out too. So I'm like abandoning her. I'm not saying, you know, tough shit, you have emotions and I'm not willing to help you. But what I am doing is I'm giving her the space. To sit with her feelings on her own. I'm giving her the space to ask for help when she needs it. Now, this could sometimes be something just simple and frustrating, right? Sometimes they're like, I can't get the lid off this jar. And you're banging the jar and you're trying to flip the jar and you're trying to get the jar to open and you're using little old fashion can open it at, at. The side up, pop it. So the seal pops open and you can not get it open. Are you someone that then says to somebody else that's in the environment? Maybe a spouse. Hey, can you get us open? Hey, can you give this a try? Or are you in a relationship where the other person comes into rescue you? Or you stand in the kitchen pissed off that nobody's showing up to rescue you. Nobody's showing up to open the can. Cause they can hear that you're banging the camera on the counter and that you're trying everything and you're swearing. Maybe you're even like I can't get this to McCann open. And nobody's rushing in to rescue you. In either of those perspectives, whether somebody is rushing into rescue or you're Pisco, nobody's rushing into rescue. That is not mutual respect. Mutual respect would be. Hey, I know. In my heart of knowing. That you're a capable human being. And if you need help opening a jar. Your going to ask for it. Period. It's also recognizing that for instance, if one of my values is integrity. Which means. That I believe, or it's necessary for me, or it's important to me that when someone says they're going to do something, they do it and they follow through on it and they come back and have a conversation or whatever is the expectation is. If you're the receiving party and Matt. That is mutual respect, right? Being able to say, yes, I will watch that video. Or I'm going to look at that training or I'm going to follow up on that thing. That is mutual respect. Inside the membership that I offer, I do not micromanage the moms that I work with. I'm not like, oh, you've only watched 12% of the videos or you haven't signed in, in three weeks or where have you been for the last month and a half? That's not my job. It is my job to empower and say, here are the resources that you have here are the tools. Show up in the group and ask questions and I will direct you to the tools. If you don't know where to go. Ask your fellow members. That's what we're here for. That is mutual respect. This also slides into this understanding. Of trust, right? I'm trusting not just you and your ability. To be a trustworthy person. But I'm trusting that you've got it. That you. We'll ask for help when you need it. That you will show up with integrity. Speaking of trust. Trust is important in healthy relationships. Trust is a component or a foundation of healthy relationships, but trust. Has two parts. One part is my ability. To trust another human being. And that comes from my ability to trust my own instincts, my own intuition. How many times in your life have you done something? And then the thing that you were worried about happening happens, you're like, oh, I knew that was going to happen. I knew that was the case. I knew that's what was going on. And how many times in your life have you had some sort of thought or experience. And maybe in a relationship, maybe if you think back to a time where you were dating and you were like, Is that person cheating on me? Or is there something going on? And you ignore it because you don't want to believe that that's the case. So you ignore it. You call yourself crazy. You say that's not it at all. And then fast-forward you find out information eventually that the other person's cheating on you? And you look back and you go son of a bitch. I knew something was going on. How many times, maybe not to that degree, maybe not cheating, maybe not in that, in that sense of a relationship, but there was something that your gut told you. This is true. And you disregarded it. That's what I'm talking about. I talk about trust. It is about trusting. When your gut says, this is a bad idea. It means it's a bad idea. You trust that when your gut says no, this other person is not being honest or truthful. You trust that? And then the other component of trust. Is whether the party that you're trusting is trustworthy. So if you're with someone who has lied to you chronically and you're choosing to stay with them, totally fine. No judgment there. You're choosing to stay with them. You recognize the person that you're with. That their actions are not trustworthy, that they haven't done anything to quote unquote, earn your trust. So therefore you recognize them as not trustworthy. So when they do something, when they behave in a way, or they're like Sydney disappear or their phones off for 12 hours and you're like, yeah sure. You were asleep. You fell asleep on the couch. I'm sure that's what happened, whatever. If you are trusting yourself. Then you can look at that person. You don't have to say it to them, but you could. And you recognize that the issue is not with your trust of self, your issue is with their trustworthiness. And you have to have both components. You have to be able to trust yourself and you have to have a partner or a person that you're interacting with that is trustworthy, which means that they have been honest. And they have been open and they have communicated. Failures and screw ups and struggles and problems. The openly communicated that stuff DD have had, haven't had to drag it out of them that they haven't been telling you lies are being dishonest. That's another foundational piece of a healthy relationship. And next up from a healthy perspective is this idea of individuality. And what this really speaks to is the opposite of codependency. It's the recognition that you are separate from the other entity, from the other party. And this does not matter if it's your spouse or your kids or your best friend or your neighbor. It doesn't matter who the person is, but the recognition. That neither party compromises, who they are for the other person. Person. This is really important, especially if you're parenting. Preteens or teens, and they're starting to get into relationships. The relationships are getting a little bit more complex. Maybe they're starting to date. And what is so common, we've all seen this. Is they get a girlfriend or a boyfriend? And all of a sudden, they're no longer available for their friends. All of a sudden you're seeing changes to their behavior, their attitude, the way they dress. They're trying to fit in. This is a struggle in adolescents anyway. This is a peer group struggle. You know, one of my friends got these shoes. So now everybody wears these shoes, walk around a middle school or a high school. And the only shoes on the feet of the majority of the students in the high school are converse. Or vans because it's what everyone wears. As a matter of fact, I was looking at like a. I don't know some sort of semi-formal event, maybe like homecoming at the local high school. Looking at friends, pictures of their kids, and all of the girls are wearing their dresses with converse. White converse or black converse or converse that matches their dress or whatever, but they're all wearing the classic high top. Chuck Taylor's. This is what I'm talking about. They start to lose individuality in middle school and high school, and it's common, but it's really important that you're helping them and that in your relationships, you're helping yourself. You're staying true to who you are. What is important? What is valuable? In toxic relationships or unhealthy relationships. Or even just codependent relationships. The person that has more power or control in the relationship. Is telling the other person what to wear, how to wear their hair what to do for work or not what they should be doing during the day. You know, Any means of trying to control the person's individuality. It might even go as far as the friends, they can spend time with the activities they can do. If they can have relationships with their family or. Not. I'm one of the things that arises in really unhealthy relationships. It's constant anger. This doesn't always have to be from the same party. It could be one day I'm angry. The next day. You're angry. Or one moment I'm angry. The next moment you were angry. But it's anger that kind of permeates the whole being. It's chronic. It's not like I got angry. It's like, I am angry. And I struggle to feel any other emotions. So if you're somebody that's masking. your relationships and your life with anger. Chances are. There are relationships in your life that are unhealthy. And that's where that developed. At this point, you might be thinking, oh, crap. How do I get my relationships to be healthy again? Well, First and foremost, it's really important to look at your communication skills. Are you communicating? Do you feel comfortable in the relationships that you're in to clearly and effectively communicate what you need, what you want, what you desire. And if you don't, then you need to find some relationships in your life where that is the case. Honestly, sometimes this is why people hire coaches or go to therapy is because they're just looking for a place where they can communicate what their needs are. It's also a reason that moms joined my membership because they have the ability in there. They learn the skills to communicate effectively. And then they have a space where they can practice communicating. In a way that works for them and that the community will support. Healthy communication skills include things like active listening. Creating and holding space. And if you don't know how to hold space, I have a podcast episode on that. And I will link it up in the show notes. The practicing empathy, being respectful. Being assertive. Letting go of passive aggressive tendencies. And using your words. Speaking from the heart. And then when we're talking really simple structure, we're talking about messages. So we're saying things like I feel and fill in the blank. I get used to talking about the way that you're feeling in situations instead of. What the other person is doing. And we never want to say you made me feel. Because that's not healthy or effective communication. That is codependency. That's saying your responsible for my emotions and what we want to practice is saying I'm responsible for my emotions. You may have done something that has triggered this emotional experience in me. But it's still my responsibility. It's still me. It's. It's still, I'm an individual. And I get to experience my emotions, how I experienced them. Because we can't validate when we start saying things like your responsible for this, you made me feel this way. We're taking away our own power. You're handing your power to the other person. You were saying, I value myself so little. That I am allowing you to be the one who decides how I feel. It would be as if somebody walked into your room every day and said today, you're going to feel happy. And you're like, okay, great. And then you feel happy and then somebody walks in your room the next day. And we say today, you're going to feel sad and you're like, Okay. And then you feel sad and today you're going to feel angry and you're like, oh, I'm angry. It's like giving them the power to just decide how you're going to feel. And that's a bowl. You don't need that. You need to take responsibility for that, you get to own that. That's the beauty beautiful thing about being human. Healthy and effective communication. That's really important. And that's where the, I message thing comes from. That's where the saying, I feel fill in the blank. I feel sad. I feel angry. I feel hurt. I feel overwhelmed. I feel stressed. I feel. Joyful. Whatever the case may be. You get to decide. And that's where we start. We start with that. And then we have to start looking at more complex things, right? Like resolving conflicts. And how do you go about resolving conflict flicks and setting boundaries saying, no, I'm not okay with this. Yes, I'm okay with this. And communicating that and allowing the other person. The space to respect that or not. Just because I put a boundary in place doesn't mean you have to respect it. It also doesn't mean that I have to stay there and take it. If you walked into a store tomorrow and you went there with the intention of getting your money back for something you purchased. And you go in and you communicate that and you say, Hey, I'm here because I need to return this thing. It doesn't fit. It's broken, whatever. And the person at the store says I'm not taking it back. And you say, well, the store policy says. That I have 30 days to return it and I bought it 17 days ago or whatever. And they go. Yeah, but I just don't like you, so I'm not going to take it back. And you're like, yes, but the store policy says this thing, you get to decide what you do there. Just because the other person is being rude or disrespectful or saying, I'm not going to give it to you because I don't like you. I don't like the shirt you have on them. I'll go to you. Look the way you speak. I'm not interested in engaging with you right now. You still get to decide how you respond now in a store it's straightforward, right? Oftentimes we ask for the manager. Now in your relationship, you can't really do that. There's no manager. But. If you say, Hey, this is my boundary. For instance, I'm gonna use a parenting example. You say I don't feel good. When you raise your voice at me. So please don't. And your child. Screams at you. You have the opportunity to decide what to do with that? Do you scream back? Do you walk away? What do you do? That's what it's all about. So those are the things that we start practicing now. And let me know, are you in healthy relationships, unhealthy relationships, how'd you do with that quiz at the start? I would love to hear from you feel free to DM me on Instagram. And I will see you guys next week. Take care.