Episode 72: Teaching Consent: Empowering Children to Say No!

In this episode, we dive into the notion of touch, and making the choice, to hug or not to hug! Forcing your 2-year-old to hug grandma is teaching them that there are people who don't need consent to touch their bodies.  And that some people are so important that they get to decide FOR YOU! 

And that's not right! Let's talk the ins and outs of consent and empowering our kids through modeling, and teaching them to have a voice. It is the BEST way to keep them safe!

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Transcript

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Hey there, and welcome back to The Peaceful Home Podcast. My name is Pam, and I'm your host. And today we are talking all about how to empower your children and yourself around physical touch. That means having boundaries, being able to say no, being able to remove yourself from situations where people are not respecting that boundary. And I don't know about you, but I grew up in an environment where it was just expected that. A family comes over and you hug them when they come in and you hug them before they leave, and it just never felt right to me. And it's something that I've worked really hard with my own child to give her the space to empower her, to make her own choices. I, it's something that I teach. So I wanna talk about it today on the podcast and share some of these tips and the important things to look at with you so that you can create an environment where your child. Is empowered to put boundaries in place and can understand the concept of consent, regardless of whether they're on the giving or the receiving end of it. All right, let's dive in. Oh my God, I grew up in the eighties, right? So that was a timeframe of hug everybody. There was no autonomy. You were not allowed to have feelings around hugging people. You were not allowed to have opinions around whether somebody could touch you or not. It was not okay if an adult said this was the rule. Then you followed the rule. And even today, my daughter is a black belt in karate and I took karate classes. I participated in the karate community for a long time with her, and then I got my pacemaker. And so I can't get hit, so now I can't do karate. But one of the things that's in one of the components of like this pledge that they do when they start says, I will obey my parents and teachers because this is right. And I used to cringe at it and I'm like, no, no, I understand the concept. I understand like following directions and being respectful and that's what you're really trying to say. But this implies a belief that adults are. Right, And children are wrong simply because of their age and their size. And really what it is, is that adults or individuals that are stronger have the ability to exert more power and effort over those that are weaker, smaller less empowered. That's all that it is. So anyway. What I wanna talk about today though is this understanding that we're allowed to be in charge of our own bodies. We're allowed to say no. We're allowed to put space in place because that's what feels good to us. And I will tell you, I'll be totally honest, I am someone that, I realized this when Marley was. I don't know, probably toddlerhood, maybe, maybe a little older than that. Maybe she was school age, like kindergarten, first grade, but she's always been the kid that like sits on you. So I have this sectional and I'd sit in the corner and she wants to be on me in the sectional. And it always felt I was always like, ugh. Get off of me. And it's not because I don't love her. I feel the same way when I'm sleeping. Like I don't want my husband anywhere near me. My dream bed would be a California king all by myself in my own room with a door that closes that nobody can be near me. I don't like the feeling of somebody's pillow pushing up against me or them breathing on me, or them adjusting my blankets. I don't like any of it. I don't like any of it. And what I've under come to understand is that it. It, it's overstimulating for me. It creates a sense of like a nervous system struggle, and I just get in that place where I'm like, Ugh, yuck. Get it off me. Now, this is not uncommon and I have adhd. It's a very common symptom, if you're like, oh my God, that sounds like me. It's not, there's nothing wrong with it. But I didn't grow up in an environment where I was empowered to say, Hey, I need space. What's interesting now is that now that I've cultivated that environment for myself and for my child and for other people in my life, I feel less of that. It was a component of, this doesn't feel good, along with, I'm not allowed to say anything, so take that for what it is. But there's some real understanding from a psychological perspective that when we feel disempowered, it makes. The situation, the the struggle. Whatever it is, it exacerbates it. And so our goal is always to step into our own power and to teach our kids to step into their own power. All right, so there's my conversation on empowerment and personal power, but let's talk about physical boundaries. There's lots of different boundaries you can put in place, but let's talk specifically about physical boundaries and physical touch. Now, the very first rule that I want you to put in place for yourself and for your children is that you are the ruler of your own body. You are the boss. You get to decide. You get to decide how close someone is to you. You get to decide if they can touch you. You can get to decide like hugs or kisses, right? Even your littlest child. But give grandma a hug. If they don't wanna give grandma a hug, they don't have to give grandma a hug. And I cannot stand when somebody, even as an adult, shows up in my environment and just decides they're hugging me. I can't stand it. It infuriates me. The same old's true with any kind of physical touch. If you are going to purposely touch me, now look, I'm on the subway and somebody bumps into me. I'm not, I don't get all riled up and mad. But if somebody is going out of their way to purposely touch my body in any way, as far as I'm concerned, they need a fucking written consent. Maybe not written, but they need a consent. And that's what we're gonna talk about today, how to go about enforcing that, how to go about using the words to get there and what that means. And how do you teach this to your kids even? And when I am talking, teaching this to your kids, I'm talking all the way down young, young, young, right? So I'm gonna give you some examples of like, how are you teaching consent or bodily touch to your two year olds? And how are you teaching your 14 year olds what's okay and what's not okay in the context of their relationships? And like stranger hood, right? So when I talk about you are the ruler of your own body, you get to decide. It's up to you. It's your choice. That could mean that today I wanna hug tomorrow. I don't, that could mean that I wanna hug grandma, but I don't wanna hug grandpa. That could mean that I am cool with snuggling with my mom on the couch, but I don't want anybody else near me. It doesn't matter, and it doesn't mean anything other than I get to decide. And when I say I, I am talking about whoever the individual is. So this could be your kid, this could be you, this could be someone else. So when we talk about this concept, We wanna start talking about asking for permission. And when you as the parent are the grown ass adult, ask someone permission, what you're doing is you're turning their power back to them. And it doesn't matter to me if you're the human beings crying and you wanna console them, if you feel bad cuz somebody's hurt, it doesn't matter. You still, I. Have to ask even if it's your own child. Even if you asked them yesterday and yesterday, it was fine. You still have to ask and you can ask in different ways. You can say things like, with your own kid, say you're talking to a four year old. You don't have to say, can I have permission to hug you? What you can say is, do you need a hug? Would you like a hug from me? Can I give you a hug to support you? There's lots of different ways to say this and what you're gonna get. What they're gonna hear is, can I console you? Can I comfort you? And most often the answer is yes. And sometimes the answer is no. Please don't touch me. And that's okay too. And sometimes it's mixed, right? I've had situations where I've said to friends when they're like falling apart can I give you a hug? And they're like, I guess, but like, oh, I hate this. Okay. Well, Let me know if you're out. Like I'll give you a hug cuz you said yes. But if you decide you don't want this, like that's cool too. But part of the process of asking permission is also respecting other people's boundaries. So it can be something really simple. Like I have a 14 year old, my next year name has a five year old. And Marley is often like, can I have a hug? And five year old, sometimes they want a hug, sometimes they don't. And some days he is yeah, and he like gives her a hug and other days he's no. And teaching her that that's not about her helping her understand that that boundary is there for her to respect. And it's not because he doesn't like her today. It could be because he doesn't wanna hug today. It could be because it's 97 degrees out and he's hot and he's exhausted. It could be, he just wants no part of it today. And sometimes he'll say to her like, I give you hugs all the time. And sometimes she'll say to him, you haven't given me a hug in a week. And that's fine too. That's their interaction. And I do talk to her a lot about it is not okay to try to guilt someone into giving you a hug because they haven't given you a hug in a week. If they don't ever wanna give you a hug again, that's their choice. But the process here is getting other people to ask permission and them asking permission of other people, and then the respect component. So how do you do this with kids? You just ask them, can I help you with this? Can I give you a hug? Can I help you? Put your shoes on. Can I brush your hair? It doesn't have to be just hugging., it can be any sort of physical connection, any sort of physical touch. And then helping them understand, and you yourself working to understand that when somebody says, no, it's not personal, that's not about you, right? I don't say no because I don't want you to hug me. I don't say no because there's something wrong with you. I say no, because in this moment I'm not interested. Or maybe I don't have a relationship with you, right? My and my kid happens to be when she wants to be a hugger, but only when she wants to be. And one of the ways that she repairs, like if there's a, a conflict or something that arises, one of the ways that she repairs is offering a hug. And sometimes people say, no thank you, and that's okay. And she accepts that. And she recognizes that's not about her. That's where they're at, So teaching them that it's okay to say no thank you. But when we talk about consent, which is really what we're talking about here, and I know oftentimes we talk about consent and we see consent and we hear things about consent from a sexual perspective. And if you're talking to your teenager about consent, Honestly, if you're talking about consent for the first time with your teenager, you're too late. You should have been talking to them about it since they were two years old or one years old. But that doesn't mean you can't still do it. You just have to start doing it in all the areas of their life. And you say, you can say, Hey, I recognize that I never introduced this to you and I really should have. And I feel I'm sorry that I didn't, I wanna open up a dialogue about it. And I'm gonna model to you what that means. What does consent mean? Because I'm not just talking about whether somebody says yes or no from a sexual perspective. I'm talking about borrowing things, right? If I, if you have something that I want, instead of taking it, I ask, can I borrow this? I'm talking about making group plans. Is everyone okay with this? Does this feel good to everyone I'm talking about making plans with individuals and spending time together. Consent expands beyond just the physical. So is it okay if I hold your hand? Can I touch your shoulder? Can I give you a hug? And if your child's really young, then what's important is that you're communicating to them what you're doing. So for instance, if you're buttoning their shirt and they're, you have a one year old, you're saying, or a two year old, you're saying, I'm buttoning your shirt so that we can leave, so that we can be ready to go. Or, I'm washing your hair so that your hair can be clean. It's important that they understand. What healthy and consensual touch and communication is, and their only way they're gonna do that is if you model it for them. So you've gotta model it in your relationships, right? You've gotta model it in your in your interactions with them. You've gotta model it in other aspects or areas of your life. Another component, especially when your children are young, is starting to have conversations around identifying safe adults. And it's going to be hard for you to say, Joanna is safe. Susie Q is safe. Your grandmother is safe, your teacher is safe, your like, it's not your place really to decide who is going to feel safe to your child. So more importantly than that, you have to teach them what safe looks like and what safe feels like. Teaching them that safe adults listen to their wants and needs. They don't do things that make them feel uncomfortable or scared. If they're worried or nervous around someone, chances are that person is not safe for them. Now, if you have an overly anxious child that is overly anxious around everyone, then part of your work is going to be to help them, delineate and clear out what is I. Anxiety. And what is your intuition or your gut telling you, no, this person is not safe. And then being able to look at the adults' behaviors and actions. Because when you can teach your child young, what behaviors and actions are, okay, what is a, a safe adult, do you know? They listen and they don't do things to make them feel uncomfortable and all that. Then when they're in relationships later on in life or when they're over at somebody else's house and spending the night somewhere, they have a frame for what safety looks like, and you've already created a container for them to come to you when something feels unsafe. So on the flip side of this, if your child comes to you and say, so-and-so has exhibited unsafe behavior, you have to take them seriously. And I don't care who so-and-so is. I don't care. I don't care if it's the perfect man for you, the dream guy that you've been looking for your whole life. I don't care. Your job is to protect your child, period. And if they come to you and say, I don't feel safe in this situation, this adult, this person is making me feel unsafe. It is your job to believe them and support them and to do whatever you can by whatever means necessary to make them feel safe. And that does not mean pushing them into a conversation or an interaction with this person that they feel unsafe with. It means getting them the fuck outta there. Okay? There's my little soapbox from all my years of. Working with and collaborating with D C Y F and the state that I live in. So let's talk about how you have these conversations or how you create this understanding that this stuff is bullshit and that you are having to hug someone because somebody else said so is not okay, and all that stuff. How do you have those conversations without directly having those conversations? Now, directly having those conversations is really important, but it's also important that your message is consistent. Sofa instance, if you are partaking in a conversation that is victim blaming and maybe it's about something that happened in the news, or you are laughing at disempowering jokes, You are sending the message to your child. Or to your teen or to your preteen? That they don't actually have the right. To put boundaries in place and have that be respected. So when you stop for a moment and you pause and you think, okay, what am I seeing in the news on television and shows that we're watching. In our culture. That encourages or supports this idea that we all have the right to our own autonomy. We all have the right. To decide what is right for our body. And where are those messages? Being torn down. Where is our conflict around those messages? Where are there opportunities for you to open the door of conversation about these things? And I do this all the time with my 14 year old, we'll watch a movies and I'll say things like. What would you do in a situation like that? How do you communicate what you need in that place? What are your thoughts on this thing? And not just on this, not just on body autonomy, like sometimes it's just poor decision-making adolescents, making poor decisions are adults making poor decisions. And, she's 14 and she loves like murder shows. And so we watch murder shows together all the time. And she's constantly like it's a person in idiot. Why would they do that? Why would they make that choice? Don't they know that they're putting themselves at risk. That God, what is going on here? And then we talk about the ability to make a choice for yourself and stick with it, regardless of what the other person thinks with, regardless of how the other person feels. Because so often we get ourselves into sticky situations because we're more concerned about hurting somebody else's feelings or. Offending someone. Than we are. In preserving our own. Physical wellbeing. So keeping that in mind. I want you to look at where are these opportunities that you can practice teaching your child? And using the words, right? You are the boss of your own body. Nobody gets to touch you without your permission. And then you develop a comfortable conversation where your child can call you out. When you decide you're going to give them a hug. Or you. Cross the boundary. And it doesn't have to be something that's inappropriate. It could simply be. You just decide you want a hug from them, so you grab them and give them a hug. And they're like, whoa, you didn't ask me if you could have a hug, you just decided you just put that on me. And you can use humor. Doesn't have to be like heavy and hard. But it is really, really important to start teaching your children. What it means to consent. And. The only consent. Is yes. And. Helping them understand and how to process their own emotions, their own experiences when somebody puts a boundary in place with them. So when somebody says no to them, If I ask for a hug and the other person says, no, How do I sit with those feelings? How do I manage those feelings? What do I do with them? How do I regulate them? How do I recognize this is not about me. How do I respect other people where they're at? This is really important stuff. We have a huge opportunity here. As parents in 2023. We now understand the impact of not allowing our children. Usually it was us as parents, right? Not us not being allowed to put a boundary in place and say, no, please don't touch me. Without being concerned about the other person's feelings. We have an opportunity to teach our children better. So let's, let's teach our children better. And in that process of teaching them. Repairing yourself. Validate yourself, allow yourself to put those boundaries in place. So that you can have autonomy. And so that you can be empowered in your own physical being. Okay guys, let me know what your thoughts are about today's episode. And I will see you guys next week. Take care.