Episode 95: Bridging Parental Mindset Gaps for Effective Co-Parenting

Are you navigating the tricky waters of co-parenting with a partner whose parenting style differs vastly from your own? Are you looking to try to bridge the gap so that you can parent your children with compassion, curiosity, and non-judgment and are not sure how to make that shift without conflict? In this week's episode, Pam shares the journey from confronting traditional parenting methods to embracing a unified, growth-focused approach that fosters emotional intelligence and strong family connections.

In this Episode:

• Discover strategies to merge different parenting beliefs and practices harmoniously.
• Learn the significance of emotional intelligence in understanding and guiding your children.
• Explore actionable steps for effective communication and validation between co-parents.
• Uncover the transformative power of shifting from a fixed to a growth mindset in parenting.
• Dive into the role of micro agreements in smoothing out co-parenting communications and strengthening family bonds.

Are you ready to enhance your co-parenting experience and create a more cohesive family life? Tune into this episode to gather insights and tools that will help you bridge the parental mindset gap.

🔗 Interested in our 1:1 Coaching? Book a discovery call by sending an email to: pam@pamgodbois.com

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Transcript

0:00

Hey there and welcome back to the peaceful home podcast. My name is Pam and I am your host. And today we are diving into the co-parenting struggle. And how to get you both on the same. Paige. So if you have a co-parent or a spouse that maybe doesn't have the same point of view as you, when it comes to parenting your pre-teens. This episode is for you. Let's dive in.

Pamela: 1:29

Now we do a lot of talking around here about actual parenting practices, right? What to do with your kids, how to support your kids. But today I want to talk about. How to bring you and your co-parent or your spouse closer together to bridge the gap. If you happen to be on different sides of the divide, when it comes to your Perception your opinion. And what you want on the parenting journey. Now my husband and I are very different, but we're both therapists, but our stories, our backgrounds and our upbringing are vastly different. He's also. Eight years older than I am. So he's actually in a different generation. And as such, he has different beliefs about parenting. Well, we both recognize the importance of emotional health for our daughter, and we want that. We want her to be confident and comfortable in who she is. He is more concerned about how she comes across than I am. It doesn't really bother me. And he's also concerned about how she comes across. Impacting how people view him and his parenting. I don't have that. Historically, he has been the I'm the dad, and she should respect me because I'm the dad. And I don't discount that. I'm not saying that that's not the case and there shouldn't be respect, but I do believe that there should be mutual respect. That's his thought process is like, well, at the end of the day, we can agree to disagree and we can have all of these conversations and I can try to validate and support her, but I'm the dad. And she needs to listen to what I say. I am a therapist. And the mindset and parenting coach through and through in my approach in parenting. I'm curious about her actions, her behaviors, and I want to know. Like what's actually going on with her. I want to learn about her from these experiences, from how she's showing up from her attitude, from her behavior, from her words. And I also want. To better understand how I can go about supporting her. So everything on this parenting journey from my perspective is an opportunity. To learn and to grow and to connect. And for my husband, it's a means to an end. And that does not mean he doesn't love her and want to support her because like I said, he kind of falls down this path and gets almost to the finish, like almost to the end. And then he goes, well, I'm the father. She should listen to me. Right. And he doesn't actually say that, but I can see it come out in him. And that's the beauty of our relationship is that we are coming from different places. And we can have these conversations. Now it's taken a long time to have these conversations, but we can have these conversations using some of the strategies and tools I'm going to talk about today. So first I'm going to help you understand what's actually going on. And then we're going to look at how do we go about. Bringing our partner along on this journey with us. Right. So the idea here and what I'm talking about with my husband, it's not uncommon as a matter of fact I have a whole course. That's. Dedicated to helping parents get unstuck from these types of patterns of like, I want to be supportive. I want to, but at the end of the day, when stress. Gets really high when they're not listening to me. When I start getting frustrated, when I become triggered. Then I react based on those triggers. I'm responding based on the old stories and baggage that lives in my past. And what I need to do is be able to come back into the present and support them. So that's, I have an entire program has dedicated to that. That along with helping your adolescent daughter grow. But what we're really looking at here is how do we, like I said, move our partners along. How do we, whether it's our kids, whether it's our partners, whether it's our mother-in-laws or our own mothers or other people in our lives, how do we move along the journey so that we can come together and be more compassionate and supportive on the parenting journey? In a way that embraces your daughter, your son, and their emotional needs. So that is what we're diving into today. So first I want to talk about mindset, right? Just in general terms, we have kind of two categories of mindset. We have an imagine that you've like taken a piece of paper and drawn a line a vertical line down the middle. And in the left column, we have fixed mindset and fixed mindset is a mindset that says. I have all the knowledge I will ever accumulate. I don't know how to do that. I'll never be able to I can't possibly go that way, but can't possibly do that work. I can't possibly heal. I can't possibly move in a direction that moves me towards that middle line, or even over that middle line into a place where, what is most important is compassion and curiosity and support, right? Fixed mindset says, this is the way that it is. This is the way that it's always been. Nothing will ever change. I can't do anything about it. It's just how it is. So these are the parents. Like when my husband defaults back into that mode of I'm the father. And so she should listen to me or I'm the father, so she should respect me. I'm the father. And she should treat me this way. That is a fixed mindset. Now I'm going to use some other words today. The go along with this, but one other notion that I like to talk about because it makes it easier to break it down and get more practical. So we start talking about research terms and mindset. It can be hard to like get practical. So something else that fits into that left column is something that I call problem aware. So these are the parents or the individuals that understand there's an issue. Maybe your kid is not listening. Maybe they're misbehaving. Maybe you're having problems at school. Maybe they're you're setting boundaries and. You know, they're breaking the rules in the house. They're stealing, they're acting out they're uh, sneaking out at night, they're using substances, whatever the case may be, they're doing. There's a problem. And you're aware of what the problem is. Now. This is very common. The first time around on something. Right? So if you are a new parent and you are having. Newly, you know, 10 or 11 year old, but you thought you had some more years with before the big emotions showed up and the struggles and the attitudes showed up and all of a sudden they showed up and you're like, I don't know what to do. Maybe that's why you're here. If you're here, because you're like, give me some answers, what do I do with this? Right. So you might be problem aware now. But you're willing to look at the solution and move in that direction. So the right column would be growth mindset. So on that horizontal line, the right side of the paper growth mindset and growth mindset says that. Anything that I dream up is possible. Right? Anything is possible with effort. Anything is possible when somebody teaches it to me. There is no. That's never going to happen or I can't do that. There were always growing and evolving. And the other thing that falls under this category, this is what I would call solution aware. So these are the parents that like, kind of what I described that are like, oh my, my 14 year old, my 15 year old, my almost 16 year old. That's what it is in my house. Has this attitude is an upset with me and is, has just raised her voice or has just stormed off to her room. And now I have the opportunity to figure out, huh? What is actually going on? I want to be curious and I'm, I want to be compassionate with her and I want to support her. And what can I do to help her and understand her better? Right. That not all is lost. That just because she's an adolescent or a teenager or a preteen or whatever your. Wherever you're at developmentally. Doesn't mean that things are going to be terrible. As a matter of fact, We see adolescence as an opportunity. To help them grow and evolve into a well-rounded healthy adult, right? That's the growth mindset. And that is also what we're going to talk about today as solution aware. So this means that there's a solution, you know, there's a solution you've tapped into the solution. You're making effort towards the solution. It doesn't mean you've fixed. It doesn't mean you're not still being triggered. It doesn't mean you're not still struggling. Right. It just means that, you know, there's a solution and you're going to work towards the solution. Individuals that are problem aware. So we see this in kids, right? Because they don't have the same uh, brain development too. Uh, come up with a solution sometimes. So they might, there might be a problem and they're coming to you with a problem and they're looking for a solution. If someone's actively seeking a solution, even if they're only problem aware, they're still in growth mindset. Right? So the people that are, when I say problem aware, I'm really talking about the people that are stuck in the problem, the people that you say, well, here's some option. They go, I've tried all those things. None of it works. Nothing's going to work. It's never going to be better. I just have to wait it out. Right. I just have to wait until my. Twelve-year-old is 25. I hear she becomes human again. And then and then we can have a relationship, but the problem is while that worked. You know, 30 years ago. Are our kids. Are way more tuned into feeling empowered because they have things like social media and, and even artists like my daughter listens to musicians that are, when I listened to the lyrics, I'm like, wow, this is really empowering. This is really about, you know, female empowerment. We're really diving into this time in life where we're saying your emotions matter. What you desire matters, even if you're 12 years old, you still have a right to bodily autonomy, and an ability to kind of understand and tap into and have your voice heard. It doesn't mean that as parents, we're not going to come in and say like, Hey, I hear you. I want to support you. But like, actually I'm going to make this choice instead. Right. Because. You might have a kid that says well, what would work best for me and how I would feel emotionally the best is if I didn't have to go to school and I could just sleep whenever I wanted. And I could spend my time watching TV and on social media and hanging out with my friends and I don't have to do math or English or science or any of that stuff. Like I get it. Wouldn't that be nice? And we're looking to raise well-balanced adults. Who can be successful and effective in life. And if they don't have an education, that's going to be really challenging for them because it's going to limit their opportunities. Right? So, so the growth mindset says and this like solution aware says like, Hey, I'm willing to work with you. Let's see how we can grow. Let's how we can see how we can see this obstacle as an opportunity. Whereas someone that's stuck in a fixed mindset or in the problem space of like problem aware. May when you present your kind of rosy, like, Hey, let's see what, what our kid thinks or let's dive into what the opportunities are. Can we look at this challenge? And try to see the silver lining. That person who is stuck. In the fixed or problem centered mindset. Is going to say you're gaslighting them. You don't understand them and it's going to feel that way. It's not, it's not as a means of manipulation. What's going to feel to them. Like you just don't understand, like you're over there Pollyanna with your rose colored glasses on and you just think everything's wonderful and it's all gonna work out and isn't that great for you, but that's not been my experience. Things don't work out. Right. So someone that is stuck that is truly stuck in that left column of fixed mindset or problem aware. They are stuck. It's not like they're there because they willingly want to hang out there. It's because there's a repetitive pattern that keeps coming up. So to use the example of my husband again, so my daughter has big emotions and maybe she's Got a voice and she's going to communicate how she's feeling and she's going to call him out on his behaviors. And things that maybe he's not aware of, or doesn't want to bring to the surface, or doesn't want to admit she's going to call them out on them because she's aware she's able to tap in because she's more in tune with her emotions. This is what happens when we tune into our own emotions, we start to be able to see other people's more clearly. And so because of that, That he might go back and forth with her and he might say like, try to communicate. No, that's not. What's. When I'm experiencing this or that, trying to, trying to be open and compassionate and curious and nonjudgmental. But then what happens is there's like a line and it's not in her behavior. It's in his ability to tolerate what's going on. So you hit the line of tolerance and then you go, no, forget it. Maybe you blow up. Maybe you yell at your kid. Maybe you take everything away. Maybe you, maybe it's something else. Right? For him, it's, I'm your father and you should, and you need to respect me and like you need to back off basically. And he'll often turn to me and say, can you make her back off? And my answer is always. No, I can't. And because it's not my job to do that. It's not my job to, and you know, she's being inappropriate and she's being, you know, something that we've judged as like, Hey this is not okay. Then sure. I might step in and say like, Hey, can you try that? And a little gentler. Can we try to have some compassion because I'm trying to teach her the same values and I'm offering her. And so I might say like, let's just agree to disagree on this and let's come back. Let's like, let's just walk away. And then my daughter and I will go out and do some errands or whatever, and we'll have a conversation about like, Hey, remember everybody has their own baggage. And, you know, she recognizes that he's older. And that he kind of still falls into that trap sometimes of. I hit the line of tolerance. I can no longer tolerate this and now I'm going to react to respond based on that. And so we talk about what are ways that she can with compassion. Say something or call them out on something or have conversations with people or put a boundary in place. Like how can you do that with compassion and curiosity? And not, and be non-judgemental. Because that's what she wants from other people. So that's what she has to get. Right. So this is an opportunity to be teaching her. So here's what happens though, like from a, from an emotional intelligence standpoint. So emotional intelligence is. Awareness of self. That means awareness of your thoughts, awareness of your emotions, awareness of your experiences and how they impact you in the world around you. It's your ability to self manage or emotionally regulate. It's your ability to to recognize that you impact other people, right. So having this conversation with my daughter and saying like, Hey, how can we, how can you show up with compassion when you're saying to dad, Hey, you know, this thing is going on because their arguments tend to be, she'll just flat out, call them out. Like, why, why are you irritated? And he's like, I'm not irritated. And she'll give him all the evidence that says you're irritated. You're stomping around the kitchen. You're slamming the doors. You're like I'm sighing constantly or huffing or whatever. Like here's five or six things. And he says, no, that's not happening. And she's like, it is happening because I'm seeing it, I'm witnessing it, it's happening. And he's, she he's like, no, it's not happening. And she's like, it is happening. And he's like, no, it's not happening. Right. This is what happens in their battles. And he's actually coming to a place where he's, because we've been doing this work. This is kind of a little bit a little while ago that he would be more on this place. Now he's kind of in a place where he says. Oh, I didn't realize that that was happening. I wonder what's going on. That's bringing that to the surface. That's all she's looking for. She's like, Hey, why, why are you what's going on over there? I can feel it. You're impacting me with your emotional upheaval. And he's saying I don't have any emotional people. I don't know what you're talking about. And she's like, yeah, you do. Cause I can feel it just because you're not aware of it doesn't mean it doesn't exist. And now he's able to say, oh weird. I wasn't aware of it. I wasn't aware of it. And so then they can start moving, moving forward. Right. That's that third kind of pillar or experience of emotional intelligence is your ability to. Be aware that you impact other people. And the fourth pillar of emotional intelligence is being able to manage relationships. So having healthy and effective relationships. So all of this stuff that we're talking about here is rooted in this concept of understanding of emotional intelligence, right? Awareness of self management of self. Awareness of relationships and social interactions and management of relationships and social interactions. So the goal is to increase your emotional intelligence. You can never have too much emotional intelligence. And the goal is to increase emotional intelligence. And when we go back to those columns, the left column being fixed mindset and problem aware the right column, being growth, mindset and solution aware. Emotional intelligence lives. The higher, your emotional intelligence, the more likely you are to be in that right column. If you were stuck in that left column, your emotional intelligence is lower and it's because in order for you to start growing emotional intelligence, the very first thing you have to do. Is be aware of your own inner stories. You have to be aware of what's going on with you, how you're showing up, how you, when you were parented and what you did get or didn't get, or how you were treated, how that's impacting you today on the inside. Not even necessarily your behaviors. But like the example with my husband, he's irritated because something triggered him. Oftentimes it's got nothing to do. What's happening in the house. He'll get a message. I'll have a thought. He'll have an experience internal experience that will bring something up. But as we become more aware of ourselves, our emotional intelligence climbs. As our emotional intelligence climbs, you move over into that right. Column of growth mindset. And solution aware. And solution awareness means I know what the solution is. Like I said before, and I'm willing to do the work to get there in the problem left column, you might be like, well, I know what the solution is, but I don't want to do it. I don't want to put any effort. It's too much work. I can't do it. Other people can do it, but I can't do it. That is still problem aware because that is like your frame of reference where you live is in the problem. And that's okay. You don't know this stuff, you don't like, nobody taught us this I'm 48 years old. Nobody taught me emotional intelligence as a child. That's not something nobody said like, Hey, you know, what would be really important in the eighties to I understand what's going on with your own thoughts and emotions and what your experiences are. I grew up in a household with a mom who had depression and anxiety and a dad who was a workaholic. Lovely human beings. A great relationships with that. My dad passed away a few years ago, but. But they were, they were in their own, they were in their dealing with their own stuff. They were processing their own childhoods in their adulthood. And we, I grew up in a timeframe where it was like, you go outside and you play and you don't come home until the streetlights come on. Right. Like that was when I grew up. And so, and I'm kind of at the tail end of that, cause I'm right on that millennial cusp. So. As adults, what started to happen. And I found myself, this is kind of interesting. I found myself, I became a yoga teacher and a meditation teacher, and I found all of the people are not all 90% of the people that I was doing. These trainings with. And then I was going deeper with, and there was doing the self work with we're about 10 years younger than me. And so it really is kind of that millennial generation. That started the ball rolling on self-work right. There's kind of us at the end of the gen X, early millennials, but like self work was not a thing until our generation became old enough. To do self work. Right. So just kind of keeping that in mind when we start to talk about these things, right? So the, here's the thing, though, when we're talking about how do we get our spouse or whoever in our life to come along on this journey. Communication is really important because what often happens. Is we say to somebody I'm going to use my husband and I, and his, as an example again, and this used to happen, my husband would say, I'm your father, and you should respect me as a result. And I would say, That's not how we parent. Right. Like, that's not what we do around here. That's not how we show up. Like, let's try something else. Let's come up with another, a better way of communicating when you're frustrated. And then he would say, I'm not frustrated. And I would say, yes, you are frustrated. And we would go back and forth and we would get in this battle. And I would say, if you just do these things. If you just show up and have some compassion and have some practice being non-judgemental and be curious. And so then he would. But he would do it from his own frame of reference. Right. So he would show up and be curious and he would be like, well, why do you think that, well, why are you showing up that look, why are you saying those things? And I don't like, when you talk to me like this and you need to speak to me differently. And I'm like, okay, well, that's not exactly what I meant. Right? So we start, he started this idea of I'm going to be compassionate and kind of spiraled back into living in the problem. And the problem, the solution to the problem from his perspective was. If she just respects me, then things will be different, but here's the problem. Here's the real problem. The real problem is that we use words to mask what's really going on. So we say things like respect or my kids being disrespectful. And when I ask people, what does that mean? What are they doing? That's disrespectful. They can't tell me. They can say like, well, you know, they're not listening well is not listening, being disrespectful. And are they not listening or are they not complying? Or are they not listening or they're not cooperating? Like what are you actually trying to get them to do that they're not doing. And nine times out of 10, what it is is we're saying. Go empty the dishwasher and they're not jumping up and running to empty the dishwasher. Well, I don't know about you, but when I asked my husband to do something. He certainly does not jump up and go do the thing that I'm asking him to do. And so then we start looking at how are we modeling these things like what's actually going on. But when you have someone that's stuck in the problem, and you're trying to get them to the solution, you have somebody that's stuck in fixed mindset, and you're trying to get them to the solution or the growth mindset. You actually have to jump back into the problem pool with them. And we do this through validation. We do this by saying, I know it's really hard. I get it. Yeah, I remember feeling that way too. I've feel that way. Often I noticed that happens for me. Right? There's all different ways to validate, like this has got to be really hard for you. I know this is a battle that you've been fighting for a while. Right? There's all different ways that you can say. I see you. I hear you. I get what you're going through and I want to help. So step one is you've got to validate. That's how we jumped back in the pool. So are our spouses saying you don't understand, like she never listens to me. She only listens to you. You've got to fix this. He used to say to me when she was like nine or 10. She talks to me this way, because you talk to me this way and I was, would often think, I don't talk to you that way. But isn't that interesting that that's your perception because he was like, there's gotta be a reason why this is happening. It can't possibly be because of how I'm showing up in the relationship. So I'm going to point the finger at you. Now again, this was like six years ago, probably six years ago. So this has been a lot of work that's been done in that timeframe, but at the time it was like, she does this because you do this, she does, it's gotta be your fault because it can't possibly be how I'm showing up. So then I've got to show up with validation and compassion and say like, yeah, I can see why it feels that way. I can see that. Yeah. Because, because sometimes I know, like I'm, I'm sassy and I will call them out on things and I will just call them out on things because that's my calling in life. As to call people out on their shit. And I will just say like, Hey, I know you, maybe you're not aware of how you're showing up right now, but you're definitely presenting. Like you're pissed off. I'm not sure what's going on. You don't have to talk to me if you don't want to, but please know that I'm always here. And then like, that's that? And then I would like walk away. Give them the space. So I would approach it differently than her, but I have a fully developed brain and she doesn't. So she would be like, what's your ad? Why are you mad? What's wrong with you? Right. And so he could see that as a parallel. For me that wasn't a parallel because I was showing up very differently and I was looking to show up with compassion and just kind of help him see like, Hey, maybe something's going on here. So jump back in the pool. And I say, I get it. I get it. And. You know, what can I do to support you in this? How can I help you move beyond this stuck place that you're in so that we can move towards growth together? Now there are these fun little things that I like to do that I use all the time called like micro agreements. Basically. It's part of how our subconscious mind communicates. And so I would say things like I would validate, and then I would say, Can I share with you? What I do. When she says these things or does these things. And you'd go. Yeah. Okay. Micro agreement, right. You can also say. Have you noticed, maybe you've noticed I've been like listening to podcasts or taking some courses and I'm trying to do some growth in this area. Right. Then they go, uh huh. Yeah. Yeah. And I've noticed that like, You know, maybe you've noticed I've become obsessed with podcasts. Maybe you've noticed that I've been reading a ton of books on this stuff. Maybe you've noticed that I've really taken a dive into doing some of my own work because I've got my own baggage from my own past, like we all do. And so maybe you've noticed that. And so you present that as kind of a question, maybe you have, you, you probably noticed that. They agree. That's a micro agreement. Then you get to the next stage where you say, can I share with you what's been working for me or what I've been doing, then they often will say, sure, you're not telling them to do it. This is not where you say you need to do it this way. This is where you say. I find that when she says those types of things, to me, That I have to like take a breath. I have to step back and pause. And then I go through a checklist in my brain. This is actually what I do. I go through a checklist in my brain. Am I upset. What's actually going on. How am I actually feeling right now? What are the thoughts that I'm experiencing that maybe. Kind of contributing to my emotional experience. How are those emotions showing up on the outside? How am I presenting? Am I stomping around the kitchen? Am I slamming the cabinet? Doors, am I like doing, giving the silent treatment? And like I used to when I was 13, like, are these behaviors showing up in me? And if so what's fueling those behaviors. Because it's not about what's happening in the environment, because even if my daughter screams at the top of her lungs, that she hates me. Which I have a lot of moms say to me, like my daughter will tell me she hates me and go to a room and slam the door. That is not what you're triggered about. You're not triggered because your daughter is saying she hates you because you know, deep down, she doesn't hate you. She's upset with you. And she's trying to push her buttons or trying to hurt you because she feels hurt. Right. So you know that she doesn't hate you. So why then do we chase them up the stairs? And rip the door open and say, who do you think you are? You can't talk to me that way. Right? Fixed mindset, problem. Aware. How do we move into the solution? We step back and we go. What's going on with me. So then when you're communicating with your partner and you can do this work for yourself, like if you're like, oh, that's me, I'm in that fixed mindset, problem aware, and I need to get over to the solution. You can do this yourself, but this is what I'm going to talk about, how you do it in a community and communication. So you validate or you self validate. Then you start to get micro agreements. Like this is important to me. This is valuable to me. I know that you want to. Support. Our kids. Right. They're not going to say no, I don't want to support our kids to hate our kids. Right. Your spouse is going to say right. Like, I know you want to your, I know you're just trying to do what's best for her, right? Right. And you're probably worried that if you don't show up the way that you're showing up, if you don't put these rules in place, if you don't stop this behavior, there's going to be a consequence out in the world. Right. Right. What do you think that consequences going to be? So after you get some micro agreements, you start asking questions like what's actually going on and you can't say what's actually going on. You have to say. What are you afraid is going to happen? If you don't chase her up the stairs, or if she doesn't demonstrate respect to you. Then when they give you the answer to that, you can say, okay, well, you know, Here's what's worked for me. Here's how I get around that. Here's how I move into a place of opportunity and hope. Right. And these are conversations that you're having over time. Little by little and you're always having them. So, you know, my kid's not respectful. Like cool. What would respect look like? You know, and I understand the main respectful is really important to you, and that makes sense. It's funny though, you know what I find? Can I share my opinion on respect or can I share my perspective on respect? I feel like sometimes we use words like respect. Because we don't actually know what it is we're looking for. And it's hard to, it's hard to quantify feelings because what we're actually looking for is a feeling, right. We're looking for a feeling of respect. We're looking for a feeling of cooperation. What we're really looking for is a feeling of connection. And so connection doesn't happen when you force your children to comply. It doesn't happen when you force them to. Quote, unquote, respect you or do the things and respect. Because nine times out of 10, when I say, what does respect mean? What respect means is when I ask you to do something, you do it, you do it the first time and I don't have to repeat myself. That's not respect. That's compliance. And it's okay if you're like, I'm looking for compliant. It's okay. Understand that I'm saying. If that's your goal is compliance. Totally fine. Just be upfront about it. Don't call it respect. Cause it's not respect. Respect is an emotional experience. Compliance is a behavior. So when you can recognize like, oh, Hey, what I'm looking for is compliance. Why am I looking for compliance? Because by the way, compliance does not lead to connection. Compliance leads to disconnection. And this generation of kids is, will be quick to be 18 years old and out on their own and never talk to you again. You know, there's a lot of us in the kind of millennial generation really, and gen Z's that are going no contact with their parents. And I don't want that for you. I want you to have. Loving healthy, connected relationships throughout your life with your children and with anybody else that's in your life. So, I mean, that's my goal. So understanding that like, Hey. This is a, this is a risk. I don't want it to create fear for you, but just recognizing that the goal, the direction you want to be moving in is greater emotional intelligence. Deeper connections. Greater awareness of the solution and working towards the solution and that growth mindset. And when you can do that and kind of set. Small positive, achievable. Goals or steps. Like I like to call them breadcrumbs. It's this idea that you're getting micro agreements and you're moving somebody along the path. If you want someone to move from a fixed problem, aware mindset to a growth expansive. Solution focused mindset. Solution-aware mindset. Then. You have to take them on the journey with you and it has to be baby step by baby step. So, this is not something that you're going to sit down and have like a one conversation with your spouse and everything's going to change. You might have to spend the next month. Validating. Where this other person is coming from. You might, and it might be your, your parents, right? It might be like grandparents or spending time with the grandkids and it's stressing you out because they're showing up in a way that you recognize was harmful for you. You don't want that for your kids. You're trying to figure out how to navigate and communicate this without being like, this is how we do things around here. And if you don't like it, tough shit. That we start with validation. What makes perfect sense. It makes perfect sense that you would feel that way or think that, or have that experience because that's definitely how we grew up. Right. You know, the interesting thing is, is that times are changing. Have you known? You've probably noticed that. I mean, you see it, you see it everywhere, right? Yeah, right. You've probably seen it on the news. You see it with like your friends and their grandkids. You see it with, you know, your other grandkids, like things are just different now. I also like to throw in research, right? Like I will read. I read a ton of research. I read a ton of books. I do a ton of research myself, like gathering data based on the work that I'm doing with people, but being able to say, you know, I was reading this. Research on attachment theory. And I said this to my mom recently. Like this research on attachment theory, and it looks at the important factors in developing a secure attachment in your kids. And there are some babies that are born that are more like hypersensitive to this. And there are some that are less sensitive to this. And so if we can fall into this category of secure attachment behaviors and provide that for our kids, and they're going to grow up with secure attachments, they're going to have healthy relationships. You don't have to worry about things like domestic violence, somebody taking advantage of them, any of those types of things. And I said something about like, When you don't pick up your baby when they're crying, when you like, when somebody says like, oh, stop crying, you're fine. There's nothing wrong with you. Or just ignores them because they're like, they're fed. They have their diaper has been changed. They're like, they're fine. There's nothing physically wrong with them. They're fine. They're just being needy. And this was a, like, this was a, uh, parenting philosophy. Like when you pick up your kids, when they're babies, you spoil them. And this was like, when I think back to like my grandparents, that was their parenting philosophy. And my mom said, oh my God, it makes so much sense with your sister. As a baby. She was emotionally like needy for lack of better terms, meaning she wanted to be emotional. She wanted to be held and supported. Right. She wanted to be loved. She needed that more so than her, other than her brother. My. My older brother, right. Did as a baby. Right. And so my grandmother who used to take care of her would be like, oh, stop, you're crying. You're fine. Like, there's nothing wrong with you. And she'd be like that. That kid, she just never stops crying. And that was kind of her. She was like, it makes so much sense because when that need is not filled, then they become more and more emotionally for lack of better terms needy. And I don't mean needy in a negative way. I mean, like. They are, we're trying to absorb and soak in. We have an actual need for that connection. And when you, when you lack that connection, then others attachments dials show up for you, right? Anxious attachments, avoidant attachments, or like the combo. Combo platter. It's I like to call it. So just understanding that your goal is like, Moving them along little breadcrumb by little breadcrumb and using those questions. So asking many questions. Asking for permission. Can I share this with you? Would you be open to, are you willing to, you know, kind of walk this path with me? Are you willing to read this book that I've been reading? Are you interested in learning more about this thing that I've been learning about? Can I share this podcast episode with you? And, and you don't have to force someone to do it. You just say, can I offer this to you? This has been something that's been really helpful for me. Because I was in the same place that you're in. I've been stuck in this place too. This has been really helpful to me. Right. That's the, that's how you move someone along that path. So, like I said to recap real quick, the goal is to move into that right column. Of growth mindset. Solution aware, meaning you're willing to do the work to get to the solution. And a higher emotional, emotional intelligence. And again, emotional intelligence is awareness of your own experience, right? Thoughts, feelings, and experiences. And ability to regulate those things and these go in order sort of like those first two go in order. And the second to go in order. But they can be happening at the same time. The third is that social, like relational awareness of how you're impacting other people and how people impact you and how old stories impact relationships. And then finally, how to manage and regulate in a healthy way, those relationships. So the goal is to get higher. If you could have points, get higher points in emotional intelligence. And if you're in the right column, you have higher points in emotional intelligence, left column, you have lower emotional intelligence. And like, I. It does not have anything to do with being smart or capable. It just has to do with mindset and where you're at. So if you're like, I'm definitely stuck in that left column, then you have some steps forward, right? Step number one, become more aware of your experience and start to explore. Is this a me issue? Is it me? That's struggling. Is that as an, an old thought or belief or a story or feeling, you know, what's going on here and how do I manage that? And then do the same in the context of relationships. And if you want. Want more of this? I have a program that walks you through all of this stuff, it's called living calm. And it is a self-directed program. So that means you get to buy it, have it for life, and you can move this, this content over and over and over and over and over again. But you get all the updates and everything that comes with it. So. I would love to hear your feedback. I would love to hear your questions about this. So, let me know if you have any thank you guys so much for being here. That's all I've got for you today, and I will see you next week. Take care.