Episode 101: Co-Regulation 101: Calming Strategies for Moms and Daughters

Do emotional storms in your home leave you feeling drained and disconnected from your teen? Imagine transforming those moments of chaos into opportunities for connection and calm. In this episode of The Peaceful Home Podcast, we’re diving into the power of co-regulation—a tool that helps moms and daughters navigate big emotions together while strengthening their bond.

What You’ll Learn in This Episode:

• What Co-Regulation Is:
  Discover how your calm presence can help your teen regulate their emotions and create a more harmonious home.
• The Science Behind Co-Regulation:
  Learn how the nervous system mirrors calmness and why this works at any age (hello, vagus nerve!).
• Simple, Practical Co-Regulation Techniques:
  • Deep breathing exercises you can use together.
  • Body-based calming techniques to reset during stressful moments.
  • How modeling emotional regulation fosters resilience in your teen.
• Common Barriers to Co-Regulation:
  Explore why it’s hard to stay calm sometimes and what to do when your own emotions get in the way.
• Transformational Benefits:
  Learn how practicing co-regulation builds confidence in both moms and daughters and creates a calmer, more connected environment.

Takeaway Tools:

• Try the "Calm Reset Exercise"—a simple practice to ground yourself before helping your daughter through a meltdown.
• Use the "Pause and Reflect Method" to strengthen your emotional regulation skills.
• Repeat the mantra: “My calm is her calm. Together, we rise above the storm.”

Ready to Create a More Peaceful Home?
Listen now to learn how co-regulation can help you and your teen manage emotional storms together. Let’s build a calmer, more connected relationship—one moment of calm at a time.

🔗 Seeking personalized support? Book a discovery call: askparentingtherapist@gmail.com

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As Mentioned in this Episode - Check out Living CALM, a resource for moms on this journey to healing and raising compassionate & confident kids. 

The best thing you can do for yourself and your kids is effectively regulate your nervous system. And a great place to start >> to wire the brain for gratitude. Research tells us that gratitude increases happiness and a peaceful mindset. Make the shift and watch how things in your life start to change. Sign up today! www.pamgodbois.com/gratitude

Transcript

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Have you ever felt your daughter's stress seep into your own mood? Turning a small conflict into a full-blown emotional storm. Hi, I'm Pam Godbois. And welcome back to the peaceful home podcast. I just want to say if this is your experience, your not alone. The truth is our nervous systems are wired to influence each other. And that's a good thing. Most of the time. That's why today we're diving into co-regulation a science back way to calm yourself and your child, even in the heat of the moment. So, if you're ready to learn what it's all about and how you can use this power for good. Let's do it. So maybe you've seen on social media, this concept of co-regulation, but you don't really know what it is. Co-regulation is the process of using your own calm and grounded presence. To help someone else like your daughter or your son. To regulate their emotional state. It's the silent, powerful exchange between two nervous systems. Where your emotional steadiness provides a sense of safety that allows the other person. To shift from stress to calm. And this happens with all humans all the time. It's so powerful because our nervous systems are biologically wired to connect. This connection is particularly strong in close relationships. Like. Uh, mother and her child. When one person is dysregulated like angry, anxious, or overwhelmed, it can set off a ripple effect, raising the emotional tension of the room. However, the opposite is also true. A calm. Uh, regulated nervous system can act as an emotional anchor signaling to others that it's safe to relax. This is what we're shooting for. Imagine your daughter has had a rough day and she storms into the house snapping at everyone. If you match her energy becoming upset or reactive, you're amplifying the chaos. But if you stay calm and grounded, you're sending a nonverbal message. It's okay. I've got you. We'll figure this out together. Think of co-regulation like being the anchor in a storm. When emotions are turbulent your steady presence. Helps prevent the ship from drifting into chaos. You're not just holding yourself steady. You're holding space for your daughter or your son defined their calm. Two. At the heart of co-regulation lies the Vegas nerve. And you have heard me talk about the Vegas nerve. Probably ad nauseum. I talk about it all the time. It is a major player in the parasympathetic nervous system. The part of the body responsible for their rest and digest activities. The slowing down. And the vagus nerve acts like the brake on stress, helping to slow the heart rate, lower the blood pressure and bring your body out of the fight or flight mode. When you stay calm, your regulated state naturally stimulates your daughter's Vegas nerve signaling her body that it's safe to calm down. This is called. Neuroception. The nervous systems, subconscious ability to detect safety or danger. When she feels your calm presence, her body begins to shift from that heightened fight or flight activated irritable state. To a more relaxed state without her even realizing it. During emotionally charged moments, your child's brain. Maybe overwhelmed. By the amygdala, right? The emotional alarm system of the brain. At that moment, her prefrontal cortex, like that rational decision maker. Right. And underneath the forehead is fully offline. It's not engaged at all. It does not have the capacity to step in and do anything. By staying in common offering. Co-regulation you're essentially leading her. From your prefrontal cortex. This allows her to start processing her emotions rather than being consumed by them. And I used to joke all the time that it was my job to be my daughter's prefrontal cortex. She's got ADHD and big emotions. And so when those big emotions would show up, I would say, okay, I need to use my thinking brain. I need to stay calm. I need to be steady so that I can help her navigate. As you know, if you've ever encountered a pre teen. In the wild. Telling them to calm down or giving them strategies to use when they're in a state of fight or flight, when they're completely agitated, when they're slamming doors, when they're screaming and losing their mind, nothing you say matters. And that's part of that is because words don't get through to that state of the mind, right? Like that state of the brain that you can't use language to regulate it. You need to use the body to regulate it. Once you have started to use the body to help her regulate just by being calm. By breathing yourself. Maybe you have a child that is willing to take a hug in these, in these situations. That's even better because what you're doing is you're bringing your physical, being close to their physical being. And you're being calm, run when your, your kid was a baby and they would be crying and to pick them up. And you knew like, you know, the 10th person holding the baby, the baby cries more, the person that has the ability to down-regulate to calm themselves down wall, holding an infant, also calms the infant down. That's co-regulation. That's what we're shooting for. So you can envelop them and bring them to that place of like breathing together. And then you can say. I'm here with you. I'm here through this. And. Because of your calm. Her nervous system will start to mirror that. She'll be able to hear I'm here. I'm here for you. I'm here for this. Um, the validation that you want to offer her, she'll be able to hear that. When you model co-regulation, you're not just soothing them in the moment. You're teaching them how to regulate their own emotions in the future. Over time. Your child will learn to internalize the calm presence. That you've provided now. Equipping them with the tools. To handle life's challenges with resilience. And with compassion. Essentially by mastering co-regulation, you're creating a foundation of emotional safety and trust. Which is essential to a strong parent child connection. The really cool thing about co-regulation is it works at all ages. Now I have told this story before, but even as a grown-ass adult, when something goes awry, when I'm stressed or overwhelmed, and I would pick up the phone and call my dad. He was always so calm about everything. Everything, nothing was a big deal. He never got worked up about anything. And there were times where that was really irritating, but when I was really stressed out and I would reach out to him, I always knew that he was going to be calm and regulated, and that was going to help me to calm and regulate because I learned these skills, these strategies later in life as an adult, this is stuff that I learned. Um, not as a child, which most of us didn't, but the goal here, what we get to do is we get to teach our kids. And offer our kids, these tools and these skills. Um, of regulation co-regulation otherwise now, So when we look at like the early years from the moment babies are born, their survival depends on co-regulation. When a baby cries their caregiver response, whether through soothing words, rocking physical touch. We're helping the baby's nervous system rudder. Returned to the state of balance. Over time, these repeated moments of co-regulation. Help to build that secure attachment, teaching your child, that the world is safe. And they can rely on others in times of distress. What's fascinating is that while this. Visible need for co-regulation. May seem to fade as children grow. It usually evolves into more complex emotional needs, especially in adolescents. Teens still look to their parents, albeit more subtly. For emotional grounding. During adolescence, the brain undergoes massive rewiring, particularly in the prefrontal cortex, which is responsible for decision-making impulse control and emotional regulation. At the same time, the amygdala. The brain's emotional center, emotional alarm system is highly active, making teens more reactive to stress and emotions. Oftentimes, I will hear parents say to me, I don't know what happened somewhere around eight or nine. She just kind of lost her mind. Um, and, and started crying and melting down and having all these big emotions that I have no idea what to do with. Here's the kicker, their prefrontal cortex is still under construction. So teens often struggled to process and regulate big emotions independently. And when I say teens, I also mean preteens. And that goes all the way down to like eight or nine. This is where co-regulation comes in. Your calm presence acts. As a borrowed prefrontal cortex, helping your kid out navigate their emotional ups and downs. Every time you stay steady in the face of their storm. You're modeling what resilience looks like. This teaches them that emotions are manageable and the challenges don't need to spiral out of control. This is beautiful, right? Think of co-regulation as being the thermostat in the emotional climate of your home. If your child is the thermometer. Rising with emotional heat, your steadiness. That's the tone for bringing the temperature back down. This might sound amazing. Like, all I have to do is stay calm in the midst of my child's emotional storm. I just have to be there and be present and be calm. Yeah. But the problem is. Many of us struggle to stay regulated ourselves. Because while co-regulation is a powerful tool for us, fostering connection and emotional safety. It's not always easy. Especially when moms are overwhelmed. Exhausted or dealing with their own unresolved stress. Here are a few barriers to co-regulation that we kind of have to take care of. The first is you can't pour from an empty cup. If you're running on fumes mentally. Emotionally or physically, it's incredibly hard to provide the calm presence that your daughter needs, stress, burnout, and emotional overload. Put your nervous system into the fight or flight mode, which can make you reactive in moments when your child needs you to be steady. We've probably all experienced this. Because this is kind of normal as moms. We have a lot on our plate. And sometimes we kind of lose it. They are less patient. We can't hold space for, we feel touched out. That's what this first barrier references. When moms are dysregulated, it's like adding fuel to the emotional fire instead of diffusing tension, it amplifies it. For example. If your daughter comes to you upset and you're already feeling overwhelmed, you might respond with irritation or impatience. She picks up on this energy and instead of finding comfort, Her emotions may escalate leading to conflict or withdrawal. And because of the lack of development and the prefrontal cortex, she's unable to see that this is a you issue and not a her issue. So she internalizes this as you don't care. You're not there for her. You can't handle her emotions. The truth of the matter is that co-regulation starts with self regulation. If you can't find your calm, it's almost impossible to help your child find theirs. This doesn't mean you have to be perfect far from it, but it does mean prioritizing practices that help you manage your own stress and emotions so that you can show up for your child with a grounded presence. Are necessary. When you're able to regulate yourself, you model emotional resilience. This not only helps your child in the moment. But also teaches them how to navigate their own emotions over time. Conversely, if you're constantly reactive or emotionally unavailable. It creates a pattern of conflict, disconnection, and even contributes to struggles of mental health, both for you and for them. There were three reasons why this happens. The first is unresolved stress or trauma. If you're carrying around unresolved, emotional baggage, it can make it difficult to respond calmly during your especially daughter's emotional outbursts. Because for most of us, we were daughters. And so we have been in the place that your daughter is currently in. For whatever reason in our nervous system, it's a little bit easier with sons or with the opposite gender, because we haven't had that experience previously. We haven't, I don't know what it's like to be a son. I know what it's like to be a daughter because I was one, I know what it's like to not feel heard at 13 or 14 years old. I know. Based on my own experience and based on the work that I've done. Right. I know that I carry baggage from that timeframe. Um, of pre-adolescence and into adolescents because of my own story. And what I have done is worked really diligently to not put that on my kid, but that those stories live in our subconscious minds. So we don't get to choose. Um, if we're not doing the work, we don't get to choose. We don't get to go, oh, wait. That's not the story I want to place on them. We just react to based on what feels familiar. This is why the struggles that your daughter experiences. Can feel so personal, like when friends reject her or when she's struggling with people in relationships in her life, and you had those same struggles. This makes it very challenging to co-regulate for her. The second is perfectionism or high expectations. Feeling pressured to get it right. Can lead to frustration when things don't go as planned making co-regulation feel like another task you're failing at. And this happens so often because we put so much pressure on ourselves, but also the environment puts pressure on us. I'm sure you've heard this notion that women are supposed to parent, like they don't work and work. Like they don't have kids. Right. If you are in the professional world and you have to, you're trying to navigate, both streams, that's, what's expected of you. And we tend to expect perfectionism, or we have unresolved trauma and stress that we haven't. processed or managed. And we haven't learned how to regulate. So our, the way that we've coped, the way that we learned early in life to cope was if I'm perfect, then maybe I'll be seen. Then maybe I'll be heard then maybe I'll be validated and people will see me as valuable. And we put those pressure on ourselves to keep achieving at that level. And that is. First of all an impossible task, but then when you start to, Include other people in that story. Like my kids have to be perfect or respond or show up perfectly in order for me to feel like I'm a good mom, right? This becomes a whole bag of emotional shit. Quite honestly. The third barrier, which is a very common one. For co-regulation is lack of emotional awareness. If you're not tuned into your own emotional state, if you have not been actively working to build your emotional intelligence. It's very easy to fall into a reactive state. Uh, state supplied by the subconscious mind. Instead of intentionally moving forward in a way to hold space and support and co-regulate. Without the ability to co-regulate positively to be able to co-regulate to help your child. Managed their emotional state. What often happens is we spiral into conflict. Right. Reactive parenting often leads to arguments, shouting, or a cycle of escalating emotions that makes resolutions harder to reach. It also creates disconnection. If your daughter feels like you're not emotionally available. She may start to withdraw, believing that she has to handle her emotions alone. She starts to see, not that you're not capable. She starts to see that she's not worthy. She's not worthy of the person who is supposed to love her unconditionally. That is dealing with their own shit. Is not able to show up for her. And she does not see that as, oh, my mom's struggling. At 12, 13, 14 years old, she sees it as I'm not worthy. Then that creates a story within her that shows up in all of her relationships. This is where people pleasing comes in. Right. This is where dysfunctional or toxic relationships happen. And we want to avoid that. We want to avoid that at all costs. The third thing that happens when, when we are not co-regulating is mental health struggles, right? Chronic disconnection and development of an insecure attachment. Contributes to the feelings of anxiety low self-worth. And emotional isolation, both for moms and daughters. So this makes our struggles worse, right. For both us and for our kiddos. So today I'm going to share with you four practices that you can use. That will help in the process of co-regulation. The first is breathing exercises and breathing exercises work because they activate the parasympathetic nervous system. Signaling to the body that it's safe to relax. One of my favorite that's super easy is called box breathing. And I teach this inside of all of my programs, but I'm going to teach it to you here today. Box breathing is when we breathe. In holds breathe out and hold for the same count. I'm going to use the example of four, but you could do three, you could do five it's up to you. But you inhale for a count of four. You hold that breath in for a count of four. You slowly exhale for a count of four. And then you hold that breath out for a count of four. Now that might be the most challenging one. And what I want you to do in this is, so you go through three to five times, right? And you can even invite your daughter or your son, your child to do this along with you where you'll sit and just say like, let's just do some breathing. Maybe it's before bed, maybe it's, first thing in the morning, maybe it's after a lot of stress, you just kind of teaching them like, Hey, let's do some box breathing together. Once you teach them how to do it, you don't have to count it for them anymore. You can just. Help them remember what it is. So you guide them the first few times through box breathing, and then you just say, let's do some box breathing together and you breathe in for a count of four hold for a count of four out for a count of four hold for a count of four, be sensitive and understand that sometimes that exhale and hold for a count of four. Can bring a lot of stuff up or any sort of breath retention. Or you're holding your breath. If that happens, just work to come back to a steady. Breath in and out. Make note of it. And this is the kind of work that we do inside the programs that I offer. So this is happening to you, then that's where you probably want to be. But you can just simply say something like let's pause and take a few deep breaths together and I'll guide us ready. Breathe in. And then you count 1, 2, 3, 4. And then all the way through. Like I said three to five times. The next one is a grounding technique that I use with. Kids as young as two or three. All the way up through, um, I work in a hospital as well. We did this the other day with a patient who was like 92 and was feeling really anxious in the hospital. This grounding technique brings the focus back to the present, pulling tension away from the feelings of overwhelm or the inability. This works really well. Like with falling asleep, the inability to fall asleep, kids that struggle to wake up in the middle of the night. Great exercise for them. It's the 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 grounding exercise. And you name five things that you can see. For things that you can touch. Three things that you can hear. Two things that you can smell. One thing that you can taste. And you can either do it in the present moment right now. Or you can bring to mind. Sometimes the taste one gets people like wrapped up. You can just like bring to mind a taste that they enjoy. Like they might be like, oh, Warm chocolate chip cookies. When they come out of the oven. Mm, so good. Not so hot. They burn your mouth. But just warm enough that they kind of provide that. Sense of comfort and warmth. Right. It works really well when you're feeling anxious or overwhelmed. The next one is physical connection. Right. A warm hug, sitting shoulder to shoulder. Um, putting your hand on someone else's arm that you're connected with. Activates the release of oxytocin, which is like the bonding hormone. Which calms the nervous system. Oxytocin is also a rapid down regulator for cortisol, which is our stress hormone. So you just simply sit quietly together, holding hands, touching shoulders. Um, in a hug breathing slowly until tension eases. And the fourth is validating feelings before. Problem solving. I know this might not sound like the same kind of technique as the others for co-regulation. But this one is super important and super effective. So when you're. Child comes home. And is feeling stressed, worried, overwhelmed, upset. When you validate before you problem solve. Your child feels heard. In her, their nervous system. Begins to settle. Just by saying. I hear you. Right. So instead of saying, if they come home and they're complaining about a friend and instead of saying like, oh, they're a jerk, don't be friends with them. Or it's not that big of a deal. Right. You can say. I can see this feels really overwhelming right now. I can see that you're really upset by this right now. I'm here to help you figure it out. So you validate first when you validate first, the nervous system goes, it's almost like a side. The nervous system goes. Oh, okay. We've got someone that's going to take care of us. We don't have to hold on to all this stress. We can let it go. That's the benefit of validation. This is why I teach in every. Probably every single podcast episode, I talk about validation. And one of my favorite practices, which is kind of like an everyday practice in the midst of chaos in the midst of everyday life. When the storm arrives. So during the emotional storm, To set up a mantra for yourself to use. This is one quick tip that you can use. If you haven't started doing the work to process through and heal some of your own baggage, the things that have created this reactivity for you. That live in your subconscious mind and come to the surface when your child is struggling emotionally. You can use. Mantra in your head like her emotions, aren't mine to fix. I'm the calm in her storm. And then you breve. And you use that before you respond. Before you show up and validate before you are there to support her with compassion. You use that first? That's what creates that space? That pause for you. Now, this is just one little exercise. I would absolutely recommend if you are. Parenting. Adolescents pre-adolescent in particular girls. Cause they tend to be a little bit more tuned in, um, That you've got to do this work. You've got to do this work. You've got to be working with someone or in a, um, a community where you can do this work to continue to look at and build your own emotional intelligence. And clear out your own baggage so that you can be there for your child so that you can co-regulate and support and help them develop a secure attachment, which is the foundation for success in life, healthy relationships, good mental health, um, and all of that, all of that fun stuff. Because when you, co-regulate your teaching your daughter. Your child. How to carry an umbrella and life storms instead of running for cover. You're helping them to understand that it's okay to be caught in the rain when they're prepared. So a few journaling prompts to close here today. One for mom. How do I show up for my daughter, my child, when they're feeling overwhelmed, what co-regulation practices? Can I try this week to stay calm and connected? And a journaling prompt for your kiddo. What helps me feel calmer when I'm upset. How can I let my mom know what I need in those moments? So journaling is a great way to start tuning in and dialing in. Self-awareness both for you and your child. So give it a try. Correlation isn't about always having the perfect response. It's about showing up with love and compassion and a calm presence. Even when things feel messy. The more you practice, the more you'll notice. Your home becoming a calmer, more connected space for both you and your child. Start small. And remember, you're building skills that will serve both you and your children for a lifetime. Thanks for joining me today on the peaceful home podcast. And if you are a mom that is ready to dive into the work that is going to make, co-regulation easier. Then you want to check out our. Then you want to check out our training for moms called living calm. This program, it teaches you the ins and outs of how to regulate your own nervous system. Understand the science, your body, your brain. And understand. How that impacts your daughter. As well as tools and strategies that you can use in the parenting journey. Because it all is connected. Just like we talked about today. Just like we talked about today. If this sounds like exactly what you've been looking for. Click the link in the show notes, or hit us up, reach out to us on Instagram. We would love to support you and answer any questions that you have. So let's keep creating a stronger, more connected family, dynamic one breath at a time, and I will see you guys next week. Take care.