Episode 111: Your Kid’s Not Defiant—They’re Dysregulated: A Guide for 4th–6th Grade Moms

If your once-sweet kid is suddenly slamming doors, forgetting every chore, and turning homework into a battle zone, you’re not alone—and you’re not a bad mom.

In this episode of The Peaceful Home Podcast, Pam pulls back the curtain on the real reason parenting 4th–6th graders feels so chaotic—and no, it’s not because your child is disrespectful or lazy. It’s because their nervous system (and yours) is completely underwater.

You’ll learn:

• What’s actually going on in your child’s brain between ages 9–12 (hello, dopamine and drama)
• How social shifts, emotional intensity, and brain development create the “middle grade mayhem”
• Why traditional parenting tools like scripts, consequences, and power struggles just don’t work right now
• How to recognize dysregulation (in them and in you!)—and what to do instead

Plus, Pam shares real-life client stories and actionable tools that help you stop spiraling and start showing up as the calm, grounded leader your child desperately needs.

This episode is your sigh of relief, your battle cry, and your roadmap—all in one.

If you’re tired of yelling, exhausted from managing meltdowns, and wondering if peace is even possible in your home… this is the episode you need.

✨ And if you’re ready to regulate your nervous system so your child can finally calm theirs, check out Living CALM— the self-paced course that’s changing lives for overwhelmed moms of big-feeling kids.

Living CALM link here

📩 Loved this episode? Screenshot it, share it to IG and tag @TheHealingTherapistPam! Let’s keep breaking the cycle—together.

The best thing you can do for yourself and your kids is effectively regulate your nervous system. And a great place to start >> to wire the brain for gratitude. Research tells us that gratitude increases happiness and a peaceful mindset. Make the shift and watch how things in your life start to change. Sign up today! www.pamgodbois.com/gratitude

Transcript

Pamela: 0:01

You kicked a Lego across the kitchen floor. Again, not because you're playing, but because your kid left it there four days ago, and despite the four reminders, the sticky notes on the fridge, the chore chart that used to work, nothing, the mess is still there. The backpack is still half zipped and leaking crumpled up math papers. The snack wrappers are multiplying like gremlins. And the attitude. Oh, the attitude. You used to get a hi mom, or Hey mommy. Now when you pick your kid up from school, you get a grunt or an eye roll or silence. So loud, it echoes in your chest. You know they're tired. You know you are tired. But between the end of the year, chaos, the emotional outburst, the sibling fights over who looked at who weird and trying to get everyone to just do their homework without crying. You tapped. And here's the thing, it's not just them. It's not just you. This stage, it's built to break you wide open, but not because you're doing it wrong, because something deeper is happening, and that is what we're unpacking today. Hey friend. Welcome back to the Peaceful Home Podcast. My name is Pam, and I'm your host. And when I talk about the season that no one really warns you about the fourth through the sixth grade. It's not toddler tantrums. It's not teen rebellion. It's this weird in-between place where your kids still sleep with a stuffed animal, but also hits you with the sarcasm so sharp it slices through your soul. Let me tell you about a moment I had that seems like it was not that long ago. I was in the pickup line, just waiting like I always do. When I spotted my kid walking towards the car, I smiled, waved, excited to see her, and she shushed me, not playfully, not quietly, full body shushed. She opened the car door, tossed her backpack in, like it was a bag of garbage, and climbed in with a dramatic sigh. No. Hello? No eye contact. Just a storm. Cloud and sneakers. And listen, I'm a therapist. I teach regulation. I coach other moms through this stuff, but in that moment, I felt like a failure. My thoughts, what did I do? Did I say something wrong? Did I breathe wrong? It's like I had somehow offended her in my sleep while I was lying awake at 3:00 AM scrolling Instagram, reading, parenting articles, trying to crack the code on what the hell is going on. I know I'm not alone. I know you've probably been here too. You're probably out there Googling. Is my 10-year-old possessed or had to parent a tween without losing your mind. So let's start with the truth. This age is hard, and not just because your kid is testing limits or being disrespectful there are real developmental, neurological reasons why they are falling apart. And why you are too. So if you're blaming yourself, I need you to stop right now. You are not crazy. You are not a bad mom. This is not your fault. Let's talk about what's really happening in this stage, and then I'll give you practical, powerful steps to take back your peace starting today. Alright, let's pull back the curtain on what's actually happening inside that unpredictable, emotional, sometimes adorable, sometimes terrifying creature that you're parenting. Because this stage, it's not just wild, it's wired for chaos. We're talking about a total neurological and emotional renovation, like the kind that would make HGTV producers cry. Between age nine and 12, your child's brain is in a full on construction mode like jackhammers and scaffolding level disruption. The prefrontal cortex, which is in charge of reasoning planning and impulse control, is still a work in progress. That means the part of the brain that helps'em to pause. Consider consequences or follow a multi-step direction. Yeah, it's not fully operational. So when you say put your shoes in the basket, grab your water bottle and get in the car, they hear static noise and maybe car. So who's running the show instead? That would be the amygdala, the emotional, reactive, fight or flight center of the brain. Think of it as the brain's drama queen. Everything feels urgent. Everything feels big, and everything feels personal. This is why your child might go from laughing to sobbing and 0.6 seconds flat. Why forgetting a pencil is suddenly a catastrophe. Why a minor correction feels like you just betrayed them. And let's not forget about dopamine Around this age, kids experience a spike in dopamine receptor sensitivity, which makes them more reward seeking, more impulsive and desperate for peer approval. If their friends laugh at a joke. Cloud nine. If they get ignored at lunch, emotional free fall. Their brains are basically screaming. Figure out who you are, but also make sure everyone likes you while you do it, and do not mess this up. It's like giving them the keys to a car with no steering wheel and no brakes, and then wondering why they're swerving all over the road and landing in emotional ditches. Now let's add social dynamics into the mix. This is when identity formation really begins. Kids start looking through peers to tell them who they are, how they should act, what's acceptable, and where they fit in the world. They become obsessed with being liked. They accepted and invited, but here's the twist. Their peers are also nine to 12 year olds with undercooked brains and overcooked emotions. So now you've got a whole herd of dysregulated kids. Trying to define themselves through each other. Friendships blow up one day, they're inseparable. The next, they're ghosting each other over who sat next to who at lunch? And you, the mom, are caught in the emotional crossfire. Like, didn't we just plan her birthday party last week? Why does this happen? Because they're experimenting with power loyalty. Trust and belonging, but without the emotional regulation and maturity to navigate it all gracefully. And this is also when we start to see the sneakier forms of social cruelty emerge. The covert bullying, the exclusion, the passive aggression. You can't sit with us vibes, weaponized friendships, and your kid, they're trying to make sense of it all while also wondering why their body feels different. Their emotions are bigger and nothing makes sense anymore. It's a lot. Now let's stack it all together. An underdeveloped prefrontal cortex, an overactive amygdala, increased dopamine, drama, social landmines, internal identity crisis. Equals what looks like laziness, disrespect, mood swings, backtalk, and meltdowns. But what's really happening, they're not being dramatic. They're dysregulated. They're emotional eruptions, not manipulation, not bad behavior. It's their nervous system trying to offload energy. It doesn't know how to process their executive function delays show up as I forgot. I'll do it later and why should I care about my homework? But what they're actually saying is, I'm overwhelmed and I don't have the internal tools to manage this on my own. If your child is losing it over a sock seam or a spelling list, I promise you it's not because they're trying to ruin your day, it's because their body is screaming. I'm underwater and I can't process one more thing. And listen, I get it. This doesn't mean we let them off the hook, but it does mean we respond in a way that works with their biology, not against it. Yelling won't build a prefrontal cortex. Shaming won't calm the amygdala. Power struggles won't build self-regulation. But you know what will. Nervous system co-regulation, that's where you come in. That's the magic of your healing, and that's what we're diving into next. Let's be real. You used to know how to soothe them, a hug, a snack, a quick distraction, and they were back to their goofy, loving selves. Now you're dodging their moods, like emotional dodge ball, tiptoeing around them on the drive home, hesitating before you ask them to clean their room because you just don't have it in you to battle about a sock pile. Again. You're walking on eggshells in your own damn house, and not because you're a bad mom, but because you're running on fumes. You're tired of the battles. You're managing all the things, logistics, emotions, schools, snacks, your job, maybe a partner who doesn't quite get it, and the weight of it all, it's crushing. Lemme tell you a story, the other day I found myself screaming yes, screaming about a wet towel on the bathroom floor. I mean, I lost it. My heart was racing, my face was hot, and I heard myself say things like, why does no one respect me in this house? And the second I walked away, shame because it wasn't about the towel, it never was. That towel was the tip of the iceberg. The last straw. The thing that cracked open the pressure I'd been holding all week, the emotional labor, the invisible load, the fact that I hadn't had a single uninterrupted thought in three days. And here's the truth. Your nervous system is in the red. You're not lazy, you're not weak, you're not overreacting. You are dysregulated because here's the secret no one tells. Moms. Co-regulation goes both ways. When your child is spiraling, your body feels it. When they rage, your system flares. When they shut down, your anxiety spikes trying to fix it. We absorb their energy. We hold the emotional container. We are the safe place until we're not. Until we snap. Until we collapse and then the guilt creeps in. I should know better. I literally teach this stuff. I meditate, I journal. I've got crystals on my nightstand for crying out loud. None of that matters when your nervous system is screaming. Danger, alert, meltdown. This isn't a mindset issue. It's a biological one, and the good news, it can change. You can rewire your nervous system. You can learn how to regulate. You can become the calm anchor again. But you have to start with you. That's what we're doing in the next section, giving you the tools to regulate first so that you can stop living in reaction mode and start parenting from a place of grounding and clarity. So let's do it. Let's get to the heart of it, because I know after all that you're probably thinking. Okay, Pam. Great. So my kid's brain is chaos. Mine's not much better. What the hell do I do now? First, let me hit you with a hard truth. You can't out script a dysregulated brain. You can't consequence a kid into calm. You can't out logic an emotional spiral why? Because regulation must happen in the body first. This is not just parenting fluff or therapist speak. This is neuroscience. When the nervous system is in survival mode, the thinking brain goes offline completely. The part that listens, reflects, and problem solves. Nope. Gone bye. So when your kid is screaming, you hate me because you ask them to put on shoes or melting down over a writing assignment, they've barely started. It's not about the task, it's about their body screaming. This is too much, too fast. I don't feel safe. And you know what? We do the same thing. We scroll for answers. We shame spiral. We go from, okay, deep breaths to get in the damn car in 3.2 seconds flat. Not because we suck, but because we're also dysregulated. Mental health isn't just about positive thoughts or willpower. It's about the state of your nervous system. And if your system is constantly stuck in hyper alert mode, you're going to feel anxious, reactive, disconnected, and emotionally raw. And the biggest fear so many moms carry, what if I'm messing them up? What if I'm passing on my anxiety and what if they remember this phase as the time when mom was always mad? Here's the reframe. It's not too late. You can model healing in real time, and that's exactly what Living Comm is all about. It's not about controlling your child's behavior. It's not about perfect routines or scripts or Pinterest charts. It's about learning how to read what's happening underneath the outbursts about learning how to support their nervous system through supporting your own first. So let me give it to you simple. A dysregulated nervous system is reactive, avoidant, controlling, and disconnected. A regulated nervous system is responsive, flexible, present, and capable of co-regulation. When you regulate first, everything shifts. Your tone changes your face softens, your body language becomes safe, and your child who is scanning for cues 24 7. Picks up on that. They start to feel safe in your presence and that is when they can calm down, cooperate even shock of shocks, open up to you because safety isn't created by controlling behavior. Safety is created by being regulated in the face of dysregulation. This is the real work of parenting. Not just raising good kids, but becoming the grounded healing presence that invites them back into connection. So if you've been trying all the things, calm voices, rewards, consequences, color coded charts, and nothing is sticking, it's probably not your strategy, it's your nervous system. And babe, that's not bad news. That's your way in. This is where the power lives. This is where peace begins. Lemme show you how. Okay, so let's talk about where you go from here, because I know you don't need another theory. You need something you can use tonight when your kid melts down over a pasta being too squiggly, or when your patient has left the building and you're staring into the abyss of bedtime with a twitching eye. These three tools are simple, but don't underestimate them. I've had clients tell me they've changed the whole dynamic in their home. Let me break them down for you and share how they actually work. Number one, stop, drop, and breathe. Before you react, pause, put your feet on the floor. Take three. Slow deep breaths in through the nose, out through the mouth. Feel your body in space. Even just 30 seconds can shift your nervous system out of reactivity. This is your body's version of hitting the reset button. I had a mom on the program, we'll call her Jess, who used to describe her mornings as sprinting through landmines and flip flops. Her 10-year-old son would fight her on everything, shoes, backpack, breathing, air. She started using stop, drop, and breathe at the very moment, she'd usually yell one morning her son was spiraling because he couldn't find his favorite hoodie. Instead of snapping, she paused, breathed, and said, we'll figure it out together. Let start by checking the laundry. That one shift calmed him and her. She messaged me that day. He actually hugged me at drop off. I didn't cry in my car. Miracle. This is the kind of shift that begins with just one breath. Number two, create a mini regulation ritual. These are micro moments of calm, that teacher, your nervous system, a new rhythm that it is safe. Pick one thing that you can do daily. It doesn't need to be fancy. You can try shaking your body for 60 seconds with music, standing in the sun and sipping something warm, doing a quick check-in place one hand on your heart, one hand on your abdomen, and ask, what do I feel? What do I need? What can I let go of? My clients, we'll call her. Emily was deep in burnout. Three kids, working mom, zero time for herself. We created a simple ritual. She lit a candle every evening when she turned off her laptop. No emails, no dishes, just three minutes of stillness with her hands on her heart. She told me. Two weeks later, my husband asked what I was doing because I looked different. Like calmer, softer. That three minute ritual made my whole system feel safer. That's the power of consistency. Even in tiny doses. You don't need an hour of self-care. You need a few sacred seconds of coming back to yourself. And number three, repair over perfection. This one is big and hard, but transformational. You're going to lose it. Sometimes you're human, but what happens next matters most. Say this with me. Hey, I yelled earlier. I'm sorry. I'm working on it. I love you and I'm still here. Repair is what builds trust. It says, you are safe with me even when I mess up. I had a mom recently who told me her daughter called her out. Mom, when you yell, it makes me scared. Cute, instant gut punch, but instead of defending, she paused and said, thank you for telling me I didn't mean to scare you, and I'll do better. Her daughter hugged her and they cleaned up the kitchen together without a fight, not because mom was perfect, but because she chose connection over control. This is how we teach emotional resilience, not by avoiding mistakes, but by repairing them with love and honesty. These three tools, they're small, but they're mighty. They're not about controlling your child, they're about co-regulating with them. They shift the vibe in your house. They soften the power struggle. They create a culture of emotional safety. So if you've been wondering, can things actually change for us? Yes, they can. One breath, one ritual, one repair, and you're on your way. Let's keep going. You are not failing. Let me say that again. For the moms in the back who's holding it all together with dry shampoo, coffee and willpower, you are not failing. You are in a season that's calling you to upgrade your tools not question your worth. Everything you've been trying to hold together, the behaviors, the moods, the tension, the guilt, it's not because you're weak, it's because you've been trying to survive without the one thing that actually changes everything. A regulated nervous system, the behaviors you're seeing, the power struggles, the emotional whiplash, the complete chaos over brushing teeth or picking up a sweatshirt. That's not just defiance. It's a nervous system. Overwhelm in living, calm. That's the life raft. It's not about perfect parenting. It's about becoming a safe place first for yourself and then for your child. But here's the truth, peace is not performative. It's not about what it looks like. It's about what it feels like in your body, in your home, and in your relationship. You don't need to fake being okay anymore. You get to be okay. One of the moms in Living Calm told me recently, I used to dread the four o'clock hour. It was like a switch flipped and everyone lost their minds. Now we have a rhythm. I know how to ground myself. My kids still Mel down sometimes, but I don't, and that changed everything. That's what I want for you. Not perfection, not silence, not Stepford. Peace, real peace. Felt peace. Nervous system. Peace if you're ready to stop surviving and start actually enjoying your child again. If you're craving a home that feels less like a battlefield and more like a sanctuary, living calm is your next step. Click in the link in the show notes or DM me the word calm and I'll get you everything you need. You don't have to white knuckle your way through this. You just have to take the next breath. Let's do this together. You've got this and I've got you. And if you're feeling called to do so, share this episode with a fellow fourth or sixth grade mama who's barely holding on. Let's normalize this mess and heal it together. Thanks so much and I'll see you guys next week. Take care.