Episode 114: You Asked, I’m Answering—Big Feelings, Friendship Drama, and the Real Work of Parenting Through It

After Episode 111—“Your Kid’s Not Defiant, They’re Dysregulated”—I heard from so many of you. You asked the hard questions, the real-life ones:

“How do I support my kid when they’re left out—again?”
“What do I do when a friendship turns mean and messy?”
“How do I help my sensitive son deal with bullying and still stay himself?”

And today? I’m answering.

This episode is a no-fluff, real talk deep dive into what it actually looks like to support big-feeling kids through the emotional rollercoaster of 4th–6th grade.
We’re talking about friendship breakups, playground exclusion, emotional safety, and what happens when the adults in their world just don’t get it.

You’ll walk away with step-by-step scripts, science-backed insight, and validation for the work you’re doing—not just to raise emotionally healthy kids, but to parent in a way that heals you, too.

If you’re in the thick of it, this one’s for you.

✨ In This Episode:

• Why exclusion and friendship drama in middle childhood hit so hard (for them and you)
• The science behind emotional safety and why “just ignore it” doesn’t work
• How to support your child through bullying without toughening them up
• Scripts for hard moments—so you’re not grasping for the right thing to say
• Why parenting differently than your partner can feel like a minefield—and how to navigate it without losing yourself

💛 Ready to Go Deeper?

If this episode spoke to you and you’re ready to stop reacting and start responding with confidence and calm, you’re ready for Living CALM.

This self-paced program is where I teach you the exact tools to regulate your nervous system, co-regulate with your kids, and create a home that feels grounded, connected, and yes—more peaceful.

Join us inside Living CALM today → www.pamgodboiscoaching.com/livingcalm

📌 Resources + Links:

• Join Living CALM
• Follow me on Instagram → @thehealingtherapistpam
• Looking for 1:1 support or retreats? Explore my offerings

💬 Let’s Keep the Conversation Going:

If this episode resonated, share it with a friend, leave a review, or send me a message on Instagram. I love hearing what lands for you.

Thanks for being here. You're doing big work—and you're not doing it alone.

The best thing you can do for yourself and your kids is effectively regulate your nervous system. And a great place to start >> to wire the brain for gratitude. Research tells us that gratitude increases happiness and a peaceful mindset. Make the shift and watch how things in your life start to change. Sign up today! www.pamgodbois.com/gratitude

Transcript

0:00

Hey there, and welcome back to The Peaceful Home Podcast. I'm your host, Pam God boys, and today's episode is a little different. After episode one 11 dropped. Your kid's, not defiant, they're dysregulated. My inbox lit up. I heard from so many of you asking the hard parenting questions, the, okay, great, but how do I actually support my kid through real life struggles of fourth, fifth, and sixth grade? Kind of questions. Questions about friendship, drama, bullying, and co-parenting. Because let's be honest, we're all just out here doing our best, trying to help our kids avoid the same emotional pitfalls that we're still untangling ourselves. And as their emotions get bigger, the work for us gets heavier. So I'm here and I've got you, you asked, and today I'm answering no fluff, just real talk. The kind of support I wish I had when I was in the thick of it, because the truth is parenting. A big feeling kid in a world that still punishes feelings, that's next level. You're not just raising a child, you're breaking patterns, holding space, and trying not to lose your damn mind in the process. So let's dive in. So we're gonna drive straight in to the first question. The first question, the biggest question, the question that I got on repeat the most. What do I do when my kid is left out? My fourth or fifth grader is constantly left out on the playground from birthday parties at the lunch table, and I don't know how to help. So let's first talk about why this is a bigger issue than it seems. Rejection, even subtle social exclusion activates the same neural pathways in the brain as physical pain. The anterior singular cortex, which registers pain lights up just as strongly when your child is left out of a group as it does when they get physically hurt, their body literally doesn't know the difference. And in middle childhood, roughly age nine to 11. Peer relationships are the curriculum. Kids this age aren't just making friends. They're learning who they are through those friendships. Every lunch table invite, every group project, every birthday party becomes a mirror reflecting, do I belong? Am I enough? Is it safe for me to be me? So when exclusion happens, when your child is. Consistently left out, overlooked or uninvited. It doesn't just sting, it shapes them it impacts how they see themselves, how safe they feel in the world, and how likely they are to take emotional risks in the future. In fact, research shows that repeated social rejection in childhood is strongly correlated to later issues with anxiety, depression, perfectionism, and chronic people pleasing. Why? Because the brain starts to internalize It must be me. This is why, how we show up in these moments as parents matters, not because we can protect our kids from every hurt, but because we can be the safe place that helps them make meaning from those hurts without losing themselves in the process. Here's the truth. You're not just watching your child be excluded, you're feeling your own wounds crack wide open. Yeah, maybe you were the one left out on the playground. Maybe you were the one who never got invited to the party, or maybe you were the kid who did get included, but only because you twisted yourself into someone you weren't to stay accepted, and now you're watching your child walk through a similar pain and it's unbearable. You feel it in your chest. In your gut, in your nervous system, that deep ancient part of you wants to fix it fast, call the school, email the parent bake cookies, find a solution. But here's the truth. Your job isn't to eliminate the pain. Your job is to hold space for it. It's to let them feel it without rushing to change it. To help them move through it without internalizing the lie that they are the problem. Because if we try to patch their pain too quickly, we miss the chance to help them build the emotional muscles they'll need for the rest of their life. Resilience, self-trust, and belonging. That starts from the inside. You don't have to say all the perfect words. You just have to be the safe place where they learn. Even when the world shuts me out, my people hold me close. So try this instead. So here's what to say and do when your child feels left out. Step one, regulate yourself first before you speak. Pause, check in. Is this about them or am I reacting from my own pain? Take a breath, settle your body. Your calm is their anchor. Step two is validate their experience. You can say something like that really hurts. I'm so sorry that happened. Or it makes complete sense that you feel sad or mad or confused. Avoid overexplaining here. Avoid fixing or trying to silver line it. Just sit in the truth. It sucks, and they're allowed to feel that. Step three is stay present and don't fix it. Instead of talking, do something regulating together. Go for a walk, bake color. Sit on the couch and say nothing. Let their nervous system borrow your calm. Let your presence say. Okay, you don't have to hold this alone. Step four is to circle back gently. This could be later hours or even days after. And you say something like, Hey, I've been thinking about you wanna talk more about what happened? Or would it feel good to make a plan if something like this comes up again, if they're open, talk through what they could say, who they feel safe with, or how to take care of themselves when it happens. Step five, reconnect them to belonging. You say something like, wanna plan something fun this weekend, just you and me, or let's invite someone over who makes you feel really good, or no matter what happens out there, you are deeply loved in here. Step six, and this one's optional, but offer a reframing seed without minimizing. You could say something like, sometimes when people leave us out, it's about them, not about us, but it still hurts and it's okay to say so. Or you don't need to change who you are to be invited. You're already enough. So give that a try and let me know how it goes. Question number two. This was the second most popular question that I was asked after that podcast episode, and it goes something like this. My daughter and her best friend split, and now the whole friend group is turning on her. Do I call the mom? What do I do? Here's why this is a bigger issue than it seems. Relational aggression like exclusion, gossip, and shifting alliances is sadly common in the tween years, but that doesn't mean it isn't harmful. In fact, it can be emotionally devastating at this age, girls are doing deep developmental work around identity, attachment and belonging. They're starting to pull away from parents and look to peers to answer the big questions like, who am I? Where do I belong? Am I likable, lovable, and safe? So when a close friendship ends, especially when it ends with drama or social rejection, it can feel like identity collapse, like the ground beneath them has shifted. And because the brain is still under construction, especially in the areas that regulate emotions, impulse control, and perspective taking, most tweens don't have the tools to make sense of what they're feeling. What they do have is a nervous system in overdrive. Their bodies may respond to this breakup the same way they would to physical danger by shutting down, lashing out, or spiraling into anxiety. They're not being dramatic. They're in threat response. And while your daughter is navigating all of that, you're also in it because mom friendships are often woven through our kids' social circles. You're trying to be kind, not burn bridges and also not betray your daughter. You might be wondering, do I stay friends with this mom? Do I say something? What if I make it worse? The truth is, you're both going through a breakup and neither of you are prepared for it. This isn't just playground politics. It's emotional survival for your child. And often for you as well. Here's the truth. You're trying to support your daughter through something that's cracking her wide open, and you're trying not to light your own social world on fire in the process. That's a lot to carry because on one hand you wanna call the other mom and say, what the hell's going on here? After all, she's a friend of yours because your girls have been friends since kindergarten or preschool. So you have the opportunity to see her a lot, and you spent a lot of time with her. But on the other hand, you're trying to honor your daughter's experience, her privacy, and her trust in you. And let's be real. Maybe you're also wondering if this friendship rupture means you are losing your own social connections too, because that's real. You matter in this dynamic too. But here's the thing, when we tell our girls to just ignore it or be the bigger person. What we're actually teaching is how to abandon themselves to stay likable. When we rush to fix it behind the scenes without their permission, we risk rupturing the very trust they need to process this with us. This isn't just her moment, it's yours too. It's a chance to model what it looks like to feel hurt and still hold your head high to speak truth without burning down the village to honor your child's emotional world. And your own, because when she sees you do that, she learns that she can do it too. So here are some things that you can say to your daughter when a friendship ends, or there's social fallout begins. Step one is to validate the pain without rushing in. Ugg, this is so hard. I know how much she meant to you. Losing a close friend, especially when other kids start picking sides, can feel like your whole world is falling apart. Pause here. Let her cry. Let her rage. Let her shut down. All responses are welcome. Step two, normalize the experience while holding space for her grief. You could say something like, friendship shifts at your age are actually super common, but that doesn't make them hurt any less. You're not doing anything wrong. This just really, really sucks. Step three, offer support. Without taking over, you could say something like, would it feel good to talk about it more, or do you just want me to hang out with you and not talk about it right now? If she wants to problem solve, you can add. Do you wanna brainstorm some ways to handle it if it comes up again tomorrow? Step four, address the mom friend layer, if this is relevant, right? You can say something like, yes. I'm still friendly with her mom, but that doesn't mean I'm not 100% in your corner. You can talk to me about anything and I won't share it with her, or my friendship with her mom is separate from this, and I promise I'll always choose being honest and supportive with you first. She just needs to understand that in the hierarchy of things, she comes before that other mom. Step five, model emotional maturity and boundaries. You can say something like, sometimes in friendships, things shift and people don't know how to talk about it. I'm not mad at her, but I am here for you and we're allowed to feel sad, even confused without jumping into drama. Or you don't have to fight back to protect yourself. You just have to keep being the kind of friend you wanna be. That's the long game. Question number three, which I had almost as many of these as I did. Question number two, this question is about our big feeling sons. The question was, my son, is a big feeling fourth, fifth, sixth grader who's being bullied even though he's bright, athletic, um, seemingly popular. Like, what do I do? How do I help? So why this is a bigger issue than it seems the boys don't cry. Narrative is still alive and well hiding in classrooms, locker rooms, and even playgrounds. In boys who express big emotions or show empathy, who feel things deeply, they often become targets, not because they're weak, but because their emotional sensitivity and self-expression threatens outdated ideas about what it means to be a real boy. Our culture still rewards stoicism in boys. Quiet, toughness, emotional detachment, and conformity to peer expectations. So when a boy is both emotionally aware and bright or openly enthusiastic about school or wear something a little different or raises his hand too often, he becomes a bullseye. Research tells us that emotionally expressive boys are not only more likely to be bullied, they're also less likely to be defended or believed by adults. Oof. Why? Because the cultural expectation is that boys should be able to brush it off and man up. But here's what the science says. Boys experience rejection and humiliation in the same deep identity threatening ways. As girls, the damage just often goes underground, left unacknowledged. It can surface later as anger, withdrawal, anxiety, perfectionism, or even depression. Massed as disinterest. This isn't just about hurt feelings. It's about whether your son learns to trust his inner world or starts to shut down to survive. Let's be real. Your son isn't broken. He doesn't need to be tougher. He's not too sensitive. He's intact. He's showing emotional intelligence, awareness, curiosity, all the things we want in men until they show up in boys. And let's be honest, it's enraging to watch the world start to chip away at that. To see him teased for raising his hand, mocked for caring, bullied, for being different. You might feel the urge to say, ignore it. Don't let them get to you. But here's the truth, if he doesn't get the support now, if he doesn't hear your voice louder than theirs, he may start to believe the lie. That there's something wrong with who he is. This is not something we can afford to risk. This isn't about rescuing him or toughening him up. It's about helping him build a sense of self that's so solid, so rooted in truth that when the world tries to shame him for being thoughtful and bright or emotionally in tune, he doesn't shrink. He stays himself. Because what if we raise a generation of boys? Who didn't have to shut down to survive. What if we told them the truth? That sensitivity is strength, that being emotionally aware is not a liability. It's leadership that who they are right now is already enough. That's your work here. Not to fix the bullies, but to fortify your boy. So here's what you do instead. Step one. Is you regulate and validate. You can say something like that. Really hurt. Huh? It makes sense. You feel upset. It's not okay that they treated you that way. And then pause. Let him nod, cry, shrug. Don't rush this part. Sit with it. Next up, affirm who he is. You might say something like, I want you to hear this from me. Your sensitivity, your kindness, your smarts. Those are some of your best traits. I know it might not feel like it right now, but those are the exact things that will make you a great friend, a great teammate, a great human. Step three, normalize the experience. Sometimes kids pick on people who stand out or show something they don't understand. That doesn't make it okay, but it helps us see, it's not about you. It's about them not knowing how to handle what they're feeling. Step four is to build internal safety. You might say something like, you don't have to stop being yourself to fit in. You get to keep being you and I will always back you up. And step five is to invite autonomy. So. You may say something like, do you wanna talk about what you might do next time it happens? Or would you rather just chill and do something fun? This gives them control when they might be feeling powerless. And hey, if you're still here listening after those first three questions, then I know you're in it. You're showing up in the middle of the mess, doing your best to support your kid. And stay intact yourself. And I want you to hear me when I say, these aren't just parenting challenges. These are invitations. Invitations to parent differently, to break cycles, to heal your own stuff while helping your child navigate theirs. And I get it, this isn't easy work because let's be honest, the world isn't built to support big feeling kids or the parents trying to raise them with intention. But that's exactly why this work matters so much. And before I go, I wanna leave you with this. I created Living Calm. Not because I had it all figured out, but because I didn't. I was the mom with the big feeling kid, the therapist who still lost her patience, the woman crying on her bathroom floor, wondering why all the tools I knew didn't seem to work when it really counted. And what I realized is this, it's not about doing it perfectly. It's about learning to stay regulated enough to show up with compassion again and again. Even when you're triggered, even when your kid is melting down, even when the school doesn't get it, your partner disagrees or your heart is breaking. Living calm exists because I believe deep in my bones that the world changes when you change how you show up in it. When you stop passing down, shame, fear, and disconnection, and start modeling emotional intelligence, nervous system safety, and unconditional connection. Not just for your kids, but for you too. So if today's episode hit home, if you're in the thick of it and you want more than just tips, if you want tools that actually shift things, then you're ready for living. Calm inside. You'll learn exactly what we talked about today, how to regulate yourself. How to co-regulate with your kids, how to move from chaos to calm without yelling over functioning, or losing yourself in the process. You don't have to figure this out alone. That's why Living Calm exists. So head on over to pam god boys coaching.com and join us. You'll get instant access, and honestly, it might just change the way you parent forever. Thanks for being here, for doing this work and for choosing a path that's not easy, but is worth it. Now I'll see you next week right here on the Peaceful Home Podcast, where we keep it real, keep it grounded, and keep doing this radical work of raising emotionally healthy humans, starting with ourselves.